Apothecary

I got the call this week confirming our medication order for our IVF cycle. Amazing how a call from a pharmacy tech in another state can make this whole thing finally feel real. Maybe it's because this is the largest lump sum of money we have had to pay so far, although I cannot complain because I know the antagonist cycle makes our med costs so much less than they could be if the RE had recommended another plan. Or maybe, it feels real because during our conversation she reminded me that I can always order less supplies now but if I order too much then I can't return anything. That comment just sealed the deal that this is the point of no return, these meds are ours and this cycle is happening, unless of course I want to waste a couple thousand dollars on medications.

Anyway, I am anxious but excited. I am not freaked out the needles or the prospect of these injections, so I feel good about finally getting all these supplies in my possession. I am also looking forward to sorting needles and arrange vials according to our plan for injections (organizing tends to make me feel more in control of life, it's a coping mechanism I developed somewhere along the way, but it's one I like). Mostly, I am just excited to be moving forward in a way that feels tangible, instead of just taking birth control pills each night while continuing to think of our IVF cycle as a future event. Having a fridge full of injectables is bound to make this whole plan feel like it's my real life and once I'm actually doing the injecting, I am sure it won't feel like a hypothetical situation any longer.

So, as I said before we are doing an antagonist cycle, meaning I get to skip the lupron and begin my injections with the FSH. Here is our pharmacy order that should be arriving any day now...

Follistim: 300mg pen x1 and 600mg pen x4 (except I am only filling 3 for now)

Ganirelex: 5 prefilled syringes

Ovidrel: HCG trigger shots x2

Progesterone: 45ml vial x3

Medrol: 4 day dosepak, 16mg tabs

Doxycycline: 4 day supply

My suppression check is scheduled for next Thursday and then injections will hopefully start the following Saturday. Who could have imagined I would be this excited and ready to start a process that I always prayed I would never have to do...amazing how time and life circumstances changes your perspective!

jenn

Read more...

Unconditional Giving

I have tried to start this blog post for a month. I've actually written a few paragraphs and then given up because it did not convey the emotion I wanted or because I got off track, as I often do when writing. It's amazing to me how sometimes I feel like I could just sit and let words pour out and other times I just can not say what it is I am trying to say.

This week in our small group we did a session from "Five things God uses to Grow your Faith" by Andy Stanley. The lesson was about using "Private Disciplines" described as prayer, giving, or other 'acts of righteousness'  to honor God and build our relationship with him. The focus was how private disciplines benefit the people performing them, not those they give to, and that these disciplines will only bring us closer to God. The scripture references for this lesson referred to Matthew 6: 1-4, where Jesus teaches about giving to the needy.

Jesus says "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So, when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have already received their reward in full."

The study went on to explain that if you are rewarded by men for your good deeds, then you do not need God's reward. So, do not give to the needy when everyone can see and then praise your acts, instead do it in secret to get glory from God. (Now, I must add that I do not believe that this text has universal application. I believe that there will be times when we give to the needy even though we are visible to others, yet we are still giving with a pure heart and purpose. I also believe that there will be times when we receive praise for our acts of generosity from those around us, yet even still, God will provide us with his reward.)  


This week, God has shown us true giving in a way that I have never witnessed with my own eyes. I feel guilty when I say that out loud, because I do believe that Jesus died for our sins and I live each day knowing that his death was truly the ultimate gift. Yet, what I know and believe vs. what I witness with my own eyes are different. And what I see tends to impact by soul in a different way than those things I am taught. I know that God understands these muddled thoughts, which is why since the time of the disciples he has been creating acts on earth to help all of us who struggle to truly grasp without seeing. I should work on my guilt about this because I am pretty sure God never seemed to judge Thomas for wanting to touch the holes left in Jesus' hands. Regardless, I return to the point that God showed me his providence this week and then just in case I was doubting at all, he had me to attend a bible study to spell out his purpose!

Several weeks ago, we received a donation to help us grow our family. The gift came with a letter but no conversation was ever had with the giver about our infertility. That being said, the gift came with no conditions and no expectations. The only stated desire was to lessen the role of money in our decision making and to help us have the children "we deserve". I was speechless upon receiving this gift and I still struggle to find the words to give it justice.

I know that God is showing me that He will provide for us and that no obstacle is too big for His mighty works. I feel a renewed trust that the Lord has plans for us and I find myself feeling increasingly grateful that we have experienced this struggle with infertility. I know that sounds crazy but if I am honest I know that I needed something big to happen in order for me to truly surrender to God and realize he is in complete control. I pray that this road leads us to a life where we are parents but even if it doesn't, I know that this road has led us into a deeper relationship with our Lord, which will provide rewards and peace that will surpass anything I can imagine.

God is so good and I know He is preparing an incredible reward for that amazing soul who stepped out and blessed our family during this time of struggle.

jenn

Read more...

Insurance

One would think that since I work in healthcare and I fight with insurance companies daily, that I would not be this frustrated by my own provider. However, today I found out that not only will BCBS not cover fertility related expenses (which I already knew) but you also get no network discount for any non-covered services. This is crazy to me. The insurance company has negotiated the rates with the providers, therefore it costs the company no money out of pocket for their members to also get these negotiated rates, yet they simply say that the discount does not apply. I am so disappointed with this news and it makes my stomach turn to think that these amounts are just for testing and the cost of any procedures is yet to come.

Even worse than the cost it just makes me feel discouraged about this whole process. I have to keep reminding myself that God will provide what we need in these (and in all) situations. I have no idea whether that will be a natural pregnancy, the funds to afford all of this, or the peace to survive without children...but I know that my role has to be having continued faith in Him.

jenn

Read more...