Chinese torture?

Thanks to some recommendations from my friends at Resolve, I have expanded my fertility treatments. At first, when I thought of adding more appointments and more professionals to my ever growing team of treatment experts, the idea was overwhelming. However, if you ever talk with someone who goes to acupuncture about their experience, they seem to glow as they share how wonderful an experience it has been in their life. So, after hearing about the wonders of Chinese medicine for long enough, I booked my first appointment at East Nashville Community Acupuncture.

Upon arrival, it was the calm hipster type environment I expected. I drank tea and read an article about composting from some 'one with the earth' type magazine. Then I met with my acupuncturist, who was calm and reassuring from the first moment I saw her. She asked questions about my health and I provided details about a past history of migraines, acid reflux, and ADD. I explained how I had been weaning off all medications in preparation for this cycle and my hope what that since meds would not be taken for 9 months of pregnancy, that I would therefore not return to taking any medication again once the baby was born.

Honestly, getting off medication was something I had been wanting to do for sometime, however I always seemed to lack the motivation to make the appropriate lifestyle changes required to live a life un-medicated. However, I have never felt good about the fact that I am 30y/o and taking multiple medications per day, because honestly what hope does it give me for my body's ability to fend for itself when I am 60 or 80. 

Anyway, I explained my desire for acupuncture to help me manage these symptoms as well as promote my physical and emotional health while we pursue an IVF cycle. My acupuncturist voiced understanding about all my concerns and she offered support and reassurance re: the role acupuncture has played in many IVF cycles before mine. She then gave me a basic run down of what would happen and made sure I had no further questions. She then led me into a treatment room, filled with multiple recliners, soft music, and dim lights. I chose my chair, rolled up my pant legs, and settled in for a treatment that I felt sure would be an interesting life experience, if nothing else! 

I have tried to described the sensation of acupuncture multiple times since attending my first session and consistently I feel like my explanations and correlations do not provide a clear picture of what it was like. Still, in my experience I must say that the needle did not hurt when it went into my body, even though I could feel a slight prick initially. I concentrated on each needle site, hoping to pinpoint the feeling I was having, it was like something was disapating under my skin from the needle point outwards. Then when she stuck a needle in the top of my scalp and I felt the same sensation, it finally hit me how to explain it...Do you remember playing that game as a child when you say "crack an egg on your head, and the blood running down, and then chills running up". For those who don't remember, while you chant this rhyme, you knock someone on the head, then press down as you symmetrically run your fingers down the outside of a persons head, then you run your nails up their back, causing chills and just an overall weird feeling. Well, that's what acupuncture felt like to me the first time, like something was dissipating from each needle point (just like the fingers that applied pressure to my head as a child) and chills (in a good way) would follow throughout my body.  (weird way to explain it, but really it was wonderful!!)

After inserting all needles, my acupuncturist then covered me with blankets, which at first worried me that they would knock the needles out or drive them deeper into my skin further,  however she reassured me that they were flexible and not going anywhere. So, I was bundled up and tucked in like a child, then a wonderful bean bag was placed over my eyes. Soft, new age music surrounded me and I listened at a muted level by using my earbuds as modified ear plugs. It was wonderfully relaxing, so much so that I laid there for an hour and a half. I simply laid there and  prayed about God's plan for my family, then I dozed off to sleep, then I prayed for peace that could overcome any obstacles in my path, and finally I just reflecting on my place in life. I must say it was incredibly relaxing and it was probably the first time I had taken an hour and a half for prayer and relaxation without feeling rushed to move on to the next part of my day. It was just what I needed.

So, after feeling fully relaxed and recharged, my needles were removed and I was free to go. I left the community center feeling dramatically better than when I arrived. Although, it is hard to pinpoint exactly what felt better, considering I did not enter with a specific compliant and since feeling more fertile is not exactly tangible. Yet, I know that if nothing else I felt calmer. I felt relaxed like the way I feel after a massage, the kind of tranquility that you cannot achieve at home on your own. Overall, it  brought me a great sense of peace during this chaotic time and I think I am now offically sold on acupuncture.

jenn

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Pure Joy

For the first time in about a decade, I am thrilled to tell you that I am truly and 100% happy for someone else and their new child. I feel guilty saying that, especially since I've had several nieces that have been born in these recent years; but if I am honest I have always had a bit of jealousy or pain when someone else got to meet their child and I remained a waiting mother. 

But a few weeks ago, some of our newest and dearest friends have met their son. You can read the details from their perspective on their fabulous blog, but today I must give you my version of our relationship with this awesome couple. 

First, this couple is awesome because they were the primary reason my sweet hubby and I ever went to the Resolve support group for a second time (I must stop there to add that I love all my resolve peeps and there have been a million reasons since that first Tuesday that keep me returning each month. But for the sake of honesty and historical accuracy, this couple was the difference between "1 and done" vs. "lets give that support group another shot"). You see, their first meeting was my first meeting and even though I had left my better half at home, they attended the group as a couple.  They spoke openly and honestly about their male factor sterility and all I could think was that I never should have left Kevan at home. He needed to hear another guy talk about male factor infertility, he needed to see what I was seeing, which is that there were other couples that looked normal and that were facing problems like we were facing on a daily basis...and they were surviving it too!  So, I promptly raced home and told Kevan all about their story and encouraged him that in the future he should come to Resolve meetings with me, because he would love to know people like this! 

Fast forward ten long months since the first support group that we attended together and I have grown incredibly close to these people. They have stood by us while we were searching for a diagnosis, they have offered genuine support while we tried to make decisions about ivf vs. adoption, and they have provided laughs when all we wanted to do was cry. During this same time frame they have struggled with creating an adoption profile, revisited the issue of sterility, and they have gotten a home study approved. So, finally after years of trying they have been given the greatest gift any infertile can imagine...a healthy and beautiful son!! 

I am honestly thrilled about this child. I keep looking at pictures they post of him on twitter and I am counting down the days till I get to meet him. Last night at our resolve meeting, a mutual friend was quizzing me about their adoption news and I was proudly showing off pics like the loving aunt that I am. Mostly, I just love having this sort of excitement for someone else. I love not having to push down feelings of jealousy because honestly this time all I feel is hopeful. Their placement reiterates to me that even though this process is long and hard, we will all eventually graduate from this world of infertility and join the ranks of parents. 

Congratulations T & R, I cannot wait for our children to play together...

jenn

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Obligations...

It's been months since I have written and I hardly know what to say. I just haven't been feeling it. Also, I have a bad habit of hating obligations and sometimes blogging feelings like an obligation. I am not sure who I feel obligated to (especially since I have never told anyone about our blog) but it feels like a "have to" not a "want to".

Anyway, things are the same. We have taken wonderful vacations over the past few months but they are plagued by the fact that Kevan is not happy in his job and we feel guilty taking vacations when money isn't overflowing from our accounts. Still, we have enjoyed the time together and made good efforts to focus on our family...that family being he and I.

Tonight we went to the infertility support group again and it was once again a good place to speak our minds. It evoked new conversations once we got home and it helped us to feel like others were in the same boat. I know that this is a helpful place for us to go together. We are also starting to feel more connected to our peers in the group which is nice. After group I was talking to people who discussed "tweeting" as a good avenue for support. They explained that they "follows" other infertile peeps and it is a great place to express immediate frustrations and gain immediate support. Example being...

Infertile peer's tweet : "new parents enjoying their brand new baby a little too much at the coffee shop today, gonna be a tough day"

response from random follower: "girl, don't you worry, you'll get your baby!"

This exchange makes me want to start a twitter account, separate from my regular twitter, just for infertility. It would be a good place for support and it surely won't feel like an obligation is it's only 140 characters!


Finally, I must add that we have made new plans re: our infertility. I have been reading a lot and found a great book titled "The Male Biological Clock". While reading a chapter I saw signs and symptoms that match what Kevan has been experiencing (in addition to s/s of probable prostatitis and a varicocele) . They are not exact, but close, and they fall under the category of "blocked ejaculatory duct". Although I do not pretend that with one book I can diagnosis my spouse, however it did help me find renewed hope and motivation. So, I have been continuing to do more research which has led me to a MD in Knoxville who is recommended by many urology websites as a great MD for dealing with male factor infertility. My biggest hope and prayer is that he will be a doctor who is interested in treating the problem, not just a doctor who wants to help us have children. So, we have an appointment at the end of the month and maybe after this specialist I will at least feel like our concerns have been heard and addressed.

Till then, maybe look for me on twitter....@emptytummy

jenn

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Groups are good

Tuesday I went to my first ever support group and I must say that it was good.

I invited Kevan but I admit my invitation was not whole hearted. I told him about the group and he immediately said he would go. I knew he would since he is incredibly wonderful and always supportive. I then asked him to think about it before deciding. I told him that I want him to go if he feels like he needs support, however he does not need to go just to support me. I then told him that although I wanted him there, I did not want him to go if it would make him feel bad or guilty. I think I have touched on this before but my sweet husband feels guilty and bad more often than many other people. He struggles with letting people down, trying to make everyone happy, etc, however these are also some of the reasons that Kevan is such a nice guy. Anyway, I told him that I did not want him to come if it was only going to make him feel badly about things. I warned him that I try not to dwell on our infertility with him or get upset too often, because I know his plate is already full of stress due to his new job. So, if going and watching me get upset or talk about how hard things are would make him feel guilty, then I didn't want him to go. He understood that and he spent the weekend thinking about whether to go. Ultimately, we decided for me to go to the first meeting and check it out, then he could always come to future meetings if he wanted. I felt like this was a good plan going into this uncharted territory. 

Now, I will be the first to say that I was wrong and I should have let my sweet caring husband come without a question. Mainly, I should have let him come because he was willing. I discounted this initially but after attending by myself I see the significance. There was only 1 husband there. Many women discussed their spouses being out of town or unable to come, however many others said that their husbands refused. Now let me stop and say that I do not mean to judge other people's marriages. One thing I learned early on is that I have no idea what is going on in other people's married life and the things that work for them or cause them to fail, are rarely things that I can see. However, in this instance, I left the group being thankful that God has provided me a husband who gives unending support and who would never discount my feelings. Sometimes I take this for granted and I know I need to work on this. Step one in working on this fault will be letting him come to support groups, offer his sympathies, and show his caring side whenever he tries, regardless of whether I think I need it at the time. I know that he offers these things because he loves me and by recognizing them and appreciating them, hopefully he will see how much I appreciate him in my life. 

So, other thoughts from support group #1...

Bottom line it overall was good. I didn't cry but I know I could have if I felt the need. When I left, I felt reassured about my life, not my ability to conceive, but my ability to survive this misery just like everyone else does every day. I know I will go again and I am hopeful that this will be a great place where Kevan and I can gain support as we face this trial together.

jenn 

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Support

I have been thinking lately that I need a new support system related to infertility. I have two friends I talk to about it on a somewhat regular basis, however both are living with incredibly hard life situations of their own right now. I know that listening to me talk about my struggles more would not be a burden to them...however I sometimes feel exhausted after talking about their issues, so that when the conversation turns to me it just seems like too much effort. I also much admit that there are somethings I hate to discuss with them ie. the effect TTC has on our sex life, my struggles with wanting to drink alcohol or smoke (simply as rebellious acts that only non-prego people can do), etc. I know that my friends would not judge me for these things, but it does not make it any easier to share the things that hurt us the most, with those we have to see every day.

So I have been thinking instead of friends, why not share my thoughts with strangers (not blogging strangers but instead real life strangers). I went on the Resolve website and there is a peer support group that meets in our area once a month. In general, I am a big fan of support groups and counseling and things of that nature. I say that because often times people who do these things professionally like I do, say that they feel like it is silly to go to counseling because they already know all of the things a therapist would say to you. I see how that could maybe feel pointless but on the contrary I find it helpful to hear the words come out of someone else's' mouth..regardless of if I already know their theories/strategies/etc. I also will admit that my feelings about therapy were solidified when I went to counseling for the first time in 2009. We had been struggling with infertility for about a year and my whole life felt out of control. I went to a psychologist thru our employee assistance program and I loved every second of it. I found that I was anxious before attending however I just spewed my guts the entire time I was there...I am not even sure how much the lady got to say. Anyway, I only went for a few months but she helped me recognize my coping skills and she helped me remember that I have to take time to grieve and cry and be sad, because these things do suck and I do have those feelings inside regardless of how much I can rationalize them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I emailed the girl who runs the support group and found out all the wonderful details. Apparently it's a new group that has only met for 2 months and it has been all women in attendance so far. She said that a couple has already RSVPed to attend in April, so I should invite my husband if I want. I will invite him and I know he will go if I want him to, however I honestly don't know what I want. I know it would be beneficial for him to hear other stories and relate to other men in this situation, especially if we move forward with assisted reproduction. But I admit there is also a selfish part of me that does not want to have to share my new found support system with him. I don't want to think about what I say before I say it and I want a place to vent about how infertility makes me feel without worrying about if I will hurt his feelings in the process. I know that i should be able to say all of these things to him and I could, I just know he carries guilt about everything. And since our infertility is somehow being linked to him, I feel like when I am sad or upset about it, he automatically feels bad like it's his fault. I can tell him over and over that I know it's not his fault, it's just nature, it's just life, it's just God's plan...but he still feels bad. Honestly, the reality is that I would choose him again tomorrow even if I knew we could never have kids because it's him I can't live without....but it doesn't change that it hurts to continue to live without kids too!

So, I am offering this support group idea to God. I am unsure when I will tell Kevan about it or whether he will want to attend...but I know that this support group, just like infertility, must be a part of God's great plan and the right thing will come from all this if I just continue to trust in Him.

jenn

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