Support

I have been thinking lately that I need a new support system related to infertility. I have two friends I talk to about it on a somewhat regular basis, however both are living with incredibly hard life situations of their own right now. I know that listening to me talk about my struggles more would not be a burden to them...however I sometimes feel exhausted after talking about their issues, so that when the conversation turns to me it just seems like too much effort. I also much admit that there are somethings I hate to discuss with them ie. the effect TTC has on our sex life, my struggles with wanting to drink alcohol or smoke (simply as rebellious acts that only non-prego people can do), etc. I know that my friends would not judge me for these things, but it does not make it any easier to share the things that hurt us the most, with those we have to see every day.

So I have been thinking instead of friends, why not share my thoughts with strangers (not blogging strangers but instead real life strangers). I went on the Resolve website and there is a peer support group that meets in our area once a month. In general, I am a big fan of support groups and counseling and things of that nature. I say that because often times people who do these things professionally like I do, say that they feel like it is silly to go to counseling because they already know all of the things a therapist would say to you. I see how that could maybe feel pointless but on the contrary I find it helpful to hear the words come out of someone else's' mouth..regardless of if I already know their theories/strategies/etc. I also will admit that my feelings about therapy were solidified when I went to counseling for the first time in 2009. We had been struggling with infertility for about a year and my whole life felt out of control. I went to a psychologist thru our employee assistance program and I loved every second of it. I found that I was anxious before attending however I just spewed my guts the entire time I was there...I am not even sure how much the lady got to say. Anyway, I only went for a few months but she helped me recognize my coping skills and she helped me remember that I have to take time to grieve and cry and be sad, because these things do suck and I do have those feelings inside regardless of how much I can rationalize them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I emailed the girl who runs the support group and found out all the wonderful details. Apparently it's a new group that has only met for 2 months and it has been all women in attendance so far. She said that a couple has already RSVPed to attend in April, so I should invite my husband if I want. I will invite him and I know he will go if I want him to, however I honestly don't know what I want. I know it would be beneficial for him to hear other stories and relate to other men in this situation, especially if we move forward with assisted reproduction. But I admit there is also a selfish part of me that does not want to have to share my new found support system with him. I don't want to think about what I say before I say it and I want a place to vent about how infertility makes me feel without worrying about if I will hurt his feelings in the process. I know that i should be able to say all of these things to him and I could, I just know he carries guilt about everything. And since our infertility is somehow being linked to him, I feel like when I am sad or upset about it, he automatically feels bad like it's his fault. I can tell him over and over that I know it's not his fault, it's just nature, it's just life, it's just God's plan...but he still feels bad. Honestly, the reality is that I would choose him again tomorrow even if I knew we could never have kids because it's him I can't live without....but it doesn't change that it hurts to continue to live without kids too!

So, I am offering this support group idea to God. I am unsure when I will tell Kevan about it or whether he will want to attend...but I know that this support group, just like infertility, must be a part of God's great plan and the right thing will come from all this if I just continue to trust in Him.

jenn

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adopt and buy earplugs

So, although we have never had a real conversation about adoption, it has been on my heart a lot recently.

I know it began a few weeks ago when I picked up a book at my public library by Scott Simon, a journalist for NPR and other programs, titled "baby, we were meant for each other". I am not sure why it called my name in the library or if it just was an easy pick from the "new release" shelf, but either way the book came home with me. It is described on the cover as "a praise of adoption" and I fully agree with that description. It shares details of the Simon's trips to China while adopting their two daughters. It also shares stories from other persons who adopted children of their own or were adopted previously in life.  One significant point that I took away from the book is that adoption takes great preparation of your heart for the trials that will come, both while trying to adopt but also during the life of your child. The realization that people will say hurtful things to you that are never meant to be hurtful, like "can you really love someone else's child as much as your own" or "do you wish you had a real child"...like physically birthing a child is the only thing that makes it real. The scenarios rushed into my head as I read the book and I thought to myself "I could handle those things" because I would see those comments for what they were...not people being malicious, instead just people talking without thinking of how their words could affect others. You see, I have a habit of feeling like I can handle bad behavior or otherwise difficult things as long as I can justify why they occur...because honestly i do not think that most people intend to do harm. Regardless, I read this book thinking that it would be hard, however I could handle the comments that came with raising an adopted child...if I could just have that child to love.

Then the other night my illusions of strength were brought into reality when spending time with friends. A girl was talking about her dog and it's difficult/odd behaviors such as being skittish around large groups and chewing on things. She then discussed the fact that the dog was a rescue animal and it had never had a real home before her, not to mention that she was not sure what type of difficult things that the dog might have endured before it was placed into her care. She then said "you know it's like when you adopt a child at like a year old. So before you get it, it hasn't been held much and then is bound to have some attachment disorders or other things wrong with it".

I sat shocked in my chair.

She basically said that all adopted children were defective from the start (as was her dog) and that there is nothing you can do about it. Now, I will not take the time to get into why I think that this statement was completely wrong from a developmental standpoint ie. Erikson, Freud, Piaget, etc. Nor, will I address all of the other reasons that her dog may act out the way it acts out. However, I will say that for the first time I sat there feeling personally feeling offended by a statement about adoption. Now, I know we have not adopted a child nor have we decided if this will even be an option, however I saw my possible future and felt hurt for myself and for my imaginary adopted children.

I recognize that this event is a time when I must extend God's grace to others. There is no way that my dear friend meant to paint all adopted children (or animals) with such a broad stroke. And if she truly did, then who am I to sit and judge her opinions or ideals about the world. However, as I step away from her comments and from Scott Simon's book, I have a new gravity that comes to my situation. I am realizing that by telling people about our infertility, I am also opening myself up to their opinions. Their thoughts, convictions, judgements, and ideals about adoption, IVF, or living in a childless marriage. I know that people share their feelings about decisions that I make for my life of a regular basis, but I admit that I cannot imagine people feeling like they have a right to cast an opinion about if or how I have a child, until they have been in my shoes, period. This struggle and heartache just feels so personal, so raw, and so uncertain in my own heart, I admit that I am terrified today to think about also dealing with how other people see my decisions.

So today I reside to the truth. The reality is that 3 weeks after finishing "baby, we were meant for each other", i now recognize that to survive adoption or assisted reproduction I will have to develop a tough skin and an ample supply of the Lord's grace. It also means that I will have to face my insecurities about telling people that we cannot conceive and I will have to learn to let their judgements and statements roll off my back  - since God's judgement is really the only one that matters. I pray that we will reach a decision about adoption or assisted reproduction and I will feel so confident and so at peace with my choice that I will not even hear the questions that other people will raise about my situation. However, I know that to achieve this peace it takes a surrender to God's plan that I am still struggling with on a daily basis. Lord, please provide me with joy and peace while I continue to struggle.

jenn

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4: 6-7 NLT

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best way to get pregnant

I hung out with friends from college last night. One of whom is pregnant, not on purpose, but still excited. She talked about the pros/cons of pregnancy and I didn't feel jealous or hurt, just excited for her. She did tell a story about when she went to her OB to confirm the pregnancy and she told them she wasn't trying to get pregnant that they said...but that is the best way for this to happen. The other girls there (both single) agreed that the OB was crazy because why would you want it to happen without trying?? I just sat quietly thinking to myself....that is the best way to get pregnant, because there is nothing worse then having to try and try and try only to fail and fail and fail.

Later in the conversation they confirmed my feelings about not wanting to be open about our infertility struggles. They talked about another friend from college and how she had just confirmed that pregnancy was a doubtful option for her after TTC for years. My prego friend discussed how hard it was to be excited around her and talk to her non-prego friend about the new baby. I know she does this to spare her friend's feelings but God help me when people start watching their words or actions around me just because I can't get pregnant. All I think is "what would make things worse than feeling all alone and infertile?" - how about all of your friends stopping talking to you during their pregnancies and births!!

I also must add that I think on some level people do not feel comfortable taking about babies in front of infertile friends, not only to be sensitive to feelings, but instead because it is uncomfortable for them. It makes me think of a friend of mine who lost her infant child to a congenital heart defect. She often laughs that she wants to wear a button that reads " I am sorry my grief makes you uncomfortable". I think that is an incredibly true and incredibly hard statement. Our society avoids talking about hard topics because we don't know what to say, and by avoiding these topics all we do is further isolate those who need the most support. I know I am choosing not to share my trials with others at this time, but I am praying about it and hoping God will help me chose the right time and the right people to confide in.

Regardless, I think if I do start telling people we are "infertile", then maybe I could get a button to wear to baby showers and sip-n-sees that reads "i am sorry my empty womb makes it awkward for you to be pregnant".

jenn

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Moments

Over the past few weeks I have thought about blogging several times, however I keep struggling to formulate my thoughts into a single post. I think that is because nothing big is happening to us right now. By "big" I guess I mean that we have not made any follow up MD appointments, we have not discussed the next step ie. IUI, IVF, adoption, etc, and we are not facing any new challenges or specific health concerns. It is just daily life and daily struggles.

When I started the blog I assumed I would have a lot to say about life or about TTC because those thoughts fill my mind so often during a day. However, what I have found is that although infertility creeps into my mind on at least an hourly basis, those thoughts are just fleeting moments in my life...rarely worth the dedication of an entire blog post. Honestly, it is hard to admit that...because these thoughts/emotions feel incredibly all-consuming when they come over me. While cooking dinner, in sessions with patients, or laying in bed with my husband, thoughts of a child-less life invade my mind like a disease. Yet, I must remind myself that infertility is just one part of my story and these feelings just consume moments in my life...they are not a description of my entire life. They do not define me and they do not give credit to all of the blessings that God continues to provide me on a daily basis.

Yet tonight I am also filled with an odd feeling of wanting to release these feelings that overwhelm me moment by moment, but also not wanting to give them the power to consume my life. Why does writing something down seem to give it so much power? I know that may not make sense considering I started this blog, but I think deep down I worry that by blogging about infertility I have just created that much more time that I will spend focused on infertility. Not only do child-less thoughts invade my mind when I least expect it, but now I am also trying to set aside time to formulate my thoughts and write about those moments. Intellectually, I know that writing about my feelings will provide me a release but I also don't want to focus more on these fleeting moments in my life...when I should be focusing on all of the other blessings that God provides.

I continue to pray for God's guidance in this journey. I pray that he will give me the strength to control my mind and not let thoughts of failure invade my heart. I pray that God will keep me focused on Him and His plans for my life, because I know that His way is the only way that will provide peace in this worldly life. Finally, I honestly believe that God knows the desires of my heart and I am faithful that if I surrender to Him, then God will fill me with a joy that exceeds all understanding. God please fill my heart with your joy and help me to remember that the only certainty in this world is that you are in control.

jenn

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Insurance

One would think that since I work in healthcare and I fight with insurance companies daily, that I would not be this frustrated by my own provider. However, today I found out that not only will BCBS not cover fertility related expenses (which I already knew) but you also get no network discount for any non-covered services. This is crazy to me. The insurance company has negotiated the rates with the providers, therefore it costs the company no money out of pocket for their members to also get these negotiated rates, yet they simply say that the discount does not apply. I am so disappointed with this news and it makes my stomach turn to think that these amounts are just for testing and the cost of any procedures is yet to come.

Even worse than the cost it just makes me feel discouraged about this whole process. I have to keep reminding myself that God will provide what we need in these (and in all) situations. I have no idea whether that will be a natural pregnancy, the funds to afford all of this, or the peace to survive without children...but I know that my role has to be having continued faith in Him.

jenn

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Beginings...

I write today with the hopes that I will continue to write in the future. I have a poor history with blogging but I believe that previously I may have been blogging for the wrong reasons. I wrote to try and catch people up on my life or share funny stories. To be honest, I also wrote hoping that in a few months I would be blogging about my pregnancy and children. When those things didn't occur the blog seemed to be an unnecessary burden I was placing on myself. I now realize that self-imposed pressures like blogging are ridiculous, therefore I announce from the beginning that this blog will never be a pressure...instead I hope it will be my release.

I want to blog because I want to write. I need the outlet of writing in my life and I am hopeful that this will be a better place to formulate my thoughts than the scribbles in my journal each night. I know that writing can be a release of emotion for me because I have done it all my life. I used to write poetry, I have always kept a journal, and when I get into huge fights with the people I love...i write them letters that I never send, just to work out the argument in my mind. I also want my struggles documented on paper, in my own words, however they come out of my head at the time I open my laptop. I want to be able to look back at where I have been and I want others to find solace that everyone struggles with something. I say this because I honestly believe that God places trials in each of our lives and there are reasons behind those trials that we may never understand.  I recently have developed an overwhelming need to spend more time testifying to God's presence and greatness in my life. I need to rant about my fears and desires and then praise God for giving me the will to get though those struggles. I do not know why I am not yet a mother but I do know that God continues to bless my life daily and I need to spend more time praising him and less time worrying about my plans. 

Yet another reason why this blog is so crucial is that I need a place to share all of these overwhelming feelings, besides simply unloading on my wonderful husband. I know that I am bad about sharing my feelings and struggles out loud, in my own voice. I am not sure where this comes from but I think it is made worse by the fact that I spend all day listening to others talk about their struggles (the beauty of social work). After a day of listening to others discuss their tragedy, I simply feel exhausted, and the idea of having to talk about my pain feels like an emotional hurdle that isn't usually worth jumping. I recognize that this is not a healthy way to cope or to live. I am aware that it causes me to build up hurt until I implode in an overwhelming fit of tears and sorrow, displayed by me in the fetal position on my bed, with my poor husband rubbing my head while he wonders what specifically has occurred to cause this collapse. So, like I said I know that this is not a healthy way to cope but more importantly I am now recognizing that regardless of "healthy" it is my way to cope. So this year, this blog is my attempt applying old coping skills of writing to my new adult world of problems. 

Finally, I must add that the other importance of this blog is that I hope to someday share it with my friends and family whom I love. I previously said that I do not talk about my trials often but I must admit that our struggles with infertility extend beyond my "typical" secretive nature. Specifically, the only people that know about our infertility is my best friend who lives half-way across the country and the hoo hoo's (which are 4 women that I used to work with that provide emotional support like only social workers, psychiatrists, and lifelong mental health workers can!). We have not told parents, siblings, friends, pastors, bible study groups, or any other faction of our life. I know this is partly because telling people makes it more real and I always just secretly hope that we will get pregnant and I won't have to decide when it is the "right time" to open up. I also confess that it frightens me to think that people will change the way they act around us. That girlfriends will hesitate to share their news of pregnancy or that friends will exclude us from their children's parties under some crazy attempt to "spare us". I would try to explain to them that our misery was not worsened by their joys about children, but I know that I will always second guess when people are uncomfortable or when they are hesitating to talk about their lives. Finally, I also hate the idea of people asking me about it or people wanting to be supportive. I am not sure if this feeling is also an offset of studying the art of therapy...but superficial reassurance and statements of support often make me feel patronized. I know that people are trying to help but all I think is that I know all of the supportive "catch phrases" and if I wanted my feelings validated them I would look in the mirror and say those words to myself with great empathy. I know that is harsh but in times of crisis it is often where my mind goes...probably just more poor coping skills but it's where I am. Regardless, I am hopeful that someday I will want to share this blog with those that I love. That I will invite them read my thoughts on this blog and I will therefore avoid the awkwardness of the conversations and the exhaustion of sharing my feelings on other people's terms. Someday I will feel comfortable with letting others in and then it will be up to them if they choose to keep reading. 

 I guess that pretty much sums up this new begining...

jenn

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