Wait # 46

Today is a struggle.

First and foremost, it is day 32 of my cycle. It is not that odd for me to have long cycles, 30-34 days, but recently they have been more like your typical 28 day ordeals. I feel hormonal, I feel negative, my breast are tender, and I know that I will start my period at any minute. So, if I know I have every sign/symptom of pending blood flow and I know that multiple highly paid MD's just told us that we cannot get pregnant on our own, then why do these days of waiting for Aunt Flo not get any easier to endure??

For over 3 years I have struggled during the last week of every cycle. I have over-analyzed every bodily ache, minor change in skin pigment, and the slightest bits of nausea, trying to cautiously determine for myself if maybe we were pregnant. In the beginning, there were months when I would drink wine every night of that "last" week, just knowing that soon I would not be able to have a drop! I would plug my cycle dates into the prediction calendars on-line and think over the timeline of when we would be due and when we would announce that we were expecting to all our friends and family. Over time, with all of the countless disappointments, I started to guard myself and I quit planning ahead. Instead, I tried to ignore all the symptoms and just stay busy with other activities. Yet the more time that went by, the harder that week of waiting became. Each month seemed to have this pending doom, a whole week that was clouded by waiting for the inevitable that always came.

So, why did I think it would be easier now? I convinced myself that after our "BIG" doctors appointment I would suddenly be able to cruise through the end of each month without allowing any hope to arise, therefore preventing further disappointment to occur. I mean that makes sense, right? If a doctor says we can't get pregnant on our own, then why would I feel anxious about what day I am going to start my period? Because I should know that no matter when the day comes, that period IS definitely coming. All those questions about the future that were filling my head and all that hope that overflowed in my heart, should have left once we left that doctors appointment.

Yet, somehow the increased knowledge about our situation is not affecting my emotional state in the ways I had hoped. This month I still find myself watching that calendar and counting the days. I still look at when we had sex and start logically determining whether it was "good" timing. I am allowing myself to ponder the "what if" question, like this time it is somehow going to be different. I feel silly for even allowing myself to "go" there, but I can't seem to make it stop.  And now with each extra day on this longer than normal cycle, the feelings of desperation and vulnerability are growing. It's like I am on a plane that I know will crash any minute, but instead of hoping that we will keep flying, I instead just wish we'd go ahead and crash so it would finally be over. At least once my period starts then I can return to some sense of normalcy and I could maybe salvage 3 good weeks out of October.

Then this morning, a new thought crept into my head and it makes me cringe. I wonder if this feeling of anxiety that comes before ever period, will it ever stop? I mean, I wonder if I will ever be able to just go through a cycle without wondering if that might be our miracle cycle where one of the few good swimmers actually finds his way to a ready and waiting egg. Because even though I know the chances are slim, I still have tubes, we do have sperm, and there was no 100% guarantee that somehow someday we might not get pregnant on our own (it's just highly unlikely). So, even though I sometimes love the idea that maybe someday unexpectedly we will get pregnant against all odds. I also shudder at the idea that every cycle for next 20 years will carry the same uncertainty, doubt, and torture that has come with the last 46 cycles.

jenn