Moments

Over the past few weeks I have thought about blogging several times, however I keep struggling to formulate my thoughts into a single post. I think that is because nothing big is happening to us right now. By "big" I guess I mean that we have not made any follow up MD appointments, we have not discussed the next step ie. IUI, IVF, adoption, etc, and we are not facing any new challenges or specific health concerns. It is just daily life and daily struggles.

When I started the blog I assumed I would have a lot to say about life or about TTC because those thoughts fill my mind so often during a day. However, what I have found is that although infertility creeps into my mind on at least an hourly basis, those thoughts are just fleeting moments in my life...rarely worth the dedication of an entire blog post. Honestly, it is hard to admit that...because these thoughts/emotions feel incredibly all-consuming when they come over me. While cooking dinner, in sessions with patients, or laying in bed with my husband, thoughts of a child-less life invade my mind like a disease. Yet, I must remind myself that infertility is just one part of my story and these feelings just consume moments in my life...they are not a description of my entire life. They do not define me and they do not give credit to all of the blessings that God continues to provide me on a daily basis.

Yet tonight I am also filled with an odd feeling of wanting to release these feelings that overwhelm me moment by moment, but also not wanting to give them the power to consume my life. Why does writing something down seem to give it so much power? I know that may not make sense considering I started this blog, but I think deep down I worry that by blogging about infertility I have just created that much more time that I will spend focused on infertility. Not only do child-less thoughts invade my mind when I least expect it, but now I am also trying to set aside time to formulate my thoughts and write about those moments. Intellectually, I know that writing about my feelings will provide me a release but I also don't want to focus more on these fleeting moments in my life...when I should be focusing on all of the other blessings that God provides.

I continue to pray for God's guidance in this journey. I pray that he will give me the strength to control my mind and not let thoughts of failure invade my heart. I pray that God will keep me focused on Him and His plans for my life, because I know that His way is the only way that will provide peace in this worldly life. Finally, I honestly believe that God knows the desires of my heart and I am faithful that if I surrender to Him, then God will fill me with a joy that exceeds all understanding. God please fill my heart with your joy and help me to remember that the only certainty in this world is that you are in control.

jenn

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Insurance

One would think that since I work in healthcare and I fight with insurance companies daily, that I would not be this frustrated by my own provider. However, today I found out that not only will BCBS not cover fertility related expenses (which I already knew) but you also get no network discount for any non-covered services. This is crazy to me. The insurance company has negotiated the rates with the providers, therefore it costs the company no money out of pocket for their members to also get these negotiated rates, yet they simply say that the discount does not apply. I am so disappointed with this news and it makes my stomach turn to think that these amounts are just for testing and the cost of any procedures is yet to come.

Even worse than the cost it just makes me feel discouraged about this whole process. I have to keep reminding myself that God will provide what we need in these (and in all) situations. I have no idea whether that will be a natural pregnancy, the funds to afford all of this, or the peace to survive without children...but I know that my role has to be having continued faith in Him.

jenn

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Beginings...

I write today with the hopes that I will continue to write in the future. I have a poor history with blogging but I believe that previously I may have been blogging for the wrong reasons. I wrote to try and catch people up on my life or share funny stories. To be honest, I also wrote hoping that in a few months I would be blogging about my pregnancy and children. When those things didn't occur the blog seemed to be an unnecessary burden I was placing on myself. I now realize that self-imposed pressures like blogging are ridiculous, therefore I announce from the beginning that this blog will never be a pressure...instead I hope it will be my release.

I want to blog because I want to write. I need the outlet of writing in my life and I am hopeful that this will be a better place to formulate my thoughts than the scribbles in my journal each night. I know that writing can be a release of emotion for me because I have done it all my life. I used to write poetry, I have always kept a journal, and when I get into huge fights with the people I love...i write them letters that I never send, just to work out the argument in my mind. I also want my struggles documented on paper, in my own words, however they come out of my head at the time I open my laptop. I want to be able to look back at where I have been and I want others to find solace that everyone struggles with something. I say this because I honestly believe that God places trials in each of our lives and there are reasons behind those trials that we may never understand.  I recently have developed an overwhelming need to spend more time testifying to God's presence and greatness in my life. I need to rant about my fears and desires and then praise God for giving me the will to get though those struggles. I do not know why I am not yet a mother but I do know that God continues to bless my life daily and I need to spend more time praising him and less time worrying about my plans. 

Yet another reason why this blog is so crucial is that I need a place to share all of these overwhelming feelings, besides simply unloading on my wonderful husband. I know that I am bad about sharing my feelings and struggles out loud, in my own voice. I am not sure where this comes from but I think it is made worse by the fact that I spend all day listening to others talk about their struggles (the beauty of social work). After a day of listening to others discuss their tragedy, I simply feel exhausted, and the idea of having to talk about my pain feels like an emotional hurdle that isn't usually worth jumping. I recognize that this is not a healthy way to cope or to live. I am aware that it causes me to build up hurt until I implode in an overwhelming fit of tears and sorrow, displayed by me in the fetal position on my bed, with my poor husband rubbing my head while he wonders what specifically has occurred to cause this collapse. So, like I said I know that this is not a healthy way to cope but more importantly I am now recognizing that regardless of "healthy" it is my way to cope. So this year, this blog is my attempt applying old coping skills of writing to my new adult world of problems. 

Finally, I must add that the other importance of this blog is that I hope to someday share it with my friends and family whom I love. I previously said that I do not talk about my trials often but I must admit that our struggles with infertility extend beyond my "typical" secretive nature. Specifically, the only people that know about our infertility is my best friend who lives half-way across the country and the hoo hoo's (which are 4 women that I used to work with that provide emotional support like only social workers, psychiatrists, and lifelong mental health workers can!). We have not told parents, siblings, friends, pastors, bible study groups, or any other faction of our life. I know this is partly because telling people makes it more real and I always just secretly hope that we will get pregnant and I won't have to decide when it is the "right time" to open up. I also confess that it frightens me to think that people will change the way they act around us. That girlfriends will hesitate to share their news of pregnancy or that friends will exclude us from their children's parties under some crazy attempt to "spare us". I would try to explain to them that our misery was not worsened by their joys about children, but I know that I will always second guess when people are uncomfortable or when they are hesitating to talk about their lives. Finally, I also hate the idea of people asking me about it or people wanting to be supportive. I am not sure if this feeling is also an offset of studying the art of therapy...but superficial reassurance and statements of support often make me feel patronized. I know that people are trying to help but all I think is that I know all of the supportive "catch phrases" and if I wanted my feelings validated them I would look in the mirror and say those words to myself with great empathy. I know that is harsh but in times of crisis it is often where my mind goes...probably just more poor coping skills but it's where I am. Regardless, I am hopeful that someday I will want to share this blog with those that I love. That I will invite them read my thoughts on this blog and I will therefore avoid the awkwardness of the conversations and the exhaustion of sharing my feelings on other people's terms. Someday I will feel comfortable with letting others in and then it will be up to them if they choose to keep reading. 

 I guess that pretty much sums up this new begining...

jenn

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