Beginings...

I write today with the hopes that I will continue to write in the future. I have a poor history with blogging but I believe that previously I may have been blogging for the wrong reasons. I wrote to try and catch people up on my life or share funny stories. To be honest, I also wrote hoping that in a few months I would be blogging about my pregnancy and children. When those things didn't occur the blog seemed to be an unnecessary burden I was placing on myself. I now realize that self-imposed pressures like blogging are ridiculous, therefore I announce from the beginning that this blog will never be a pressure...instead I hope it will be my release.

I want to blog because I want to write. I need the outlet of writing in my life and I am hopeful that this will be a better place to formulate my thoughts than the scribbles in my journal each night. I know that writing can be a release of emotion for me because I have done it all my life. I used to write poetry, I have always kept a journal, and when I get into huge fights with the people I love...i write them letters that I never send, just to work out the argument in my mind. I also want my struggles documented on paper, in my own words, however they come out of my head at the time I open my laptop. I want to be able to look back at where I have been and I want others to find solace that everyone struggles with something. I say this because I honestly believe that God places trials in each of our lives and there are reasons behind those trials that we may never understand.  I recently have developed an overwhelming need to spend more time testifying to God's presence and greatness in my life. I need to rant about my fears and desires and then praise God for giving me the will to get though those struggles. I do not know why I am not yet a mother but I do know that God continues to bless my life daily and I need to spend more time praising him and less time worrying about my plans. 

Yet another reason why this blog is so crucial is that I need a place to share all of these overwhelming feelings, besides simply unloading on my wonderful husband. I know that I am bad about sharing my feelings and struggles out loud, in my own voice. I am not sure where this comes from but I think it is made worse by the fact that I spend all day listening to others talk about their struggles (the beauty of social work). After a day of listening to others discuss their tragedy, I simply feel exhausted, and the idea of having to talk about my pain feels like an emotional hurdle that isn't usually worth jumping. I recognize that this is not a healthy way to cope or to live. I am aware that it causes me to build up hurt until I implode in an overwhelming fit of tears and sorrow, displayed by me in the fetal position on my bed, with my poor husband rubbing my head while he wonders what specifically has occurred to cause this collapse. So, like I said I know that this is not a healthy way to cope but more importantly I am now recognizing that regardless of "healthy" it is my way to cope. So this year, this blog is my attempt applying old coping skills of writing to my new adult world of problems. 

Finally, I must add that the other importance of this blog is that I hope to someday share it with my friends and family whom I love. I previously said that I do not talk about my trials often but I must admit that our struggles with infertility extend beyond my "typical" secretive nature. Specifically, the only people that know about our infertility is my best friend who lives half-way across the country and the hoo hoo's (which are 4 women that I used to work with that provide emotional support like only social workers, psychiatrists, and lifelong mental health workers can!). We have not told parents, siblings, friends, pastors, bible study groups, or any other faction of our life. I know this is partly because telling people makes it more real and I always just secretly hope that we will get pregnant and I won't have to decide when it is the "right time" to open up. I also confess that it frightens me to think that people will change the way they act around us. That girlfriends will hesitate to share their news of pregnancy or that friends will exclude us from their children's parties under some crazy attempt to "spare us". I would try to explain to them that our misery was not worsened by their joys about children, but I know that I will always second guess when people are uncomfortable or when they are hesitating to talk about their lives. Finally, I also hate the idea of people asking me about it or people wanting to be supportive. I am not sure if this feeling is also an offset of studying the art of therapy...but superficial reassurance and statements of support often make me feel patronized. I know that people are trying to help but all I think is that I know all of the supportive "catch phrases" and if I wanted my feelings validated them I would look in the mirror and say those words to myself with great empathy. I know that is harsh but in times of crisis it is often where my mind goes...probably just more poor coping skills but it's where I am. Regardless, I am hopeful that someday I will want to share this blog with those that I love. That I will invite them read my thoughts on this blog and I will therefore avoid the awkwardness of the conversations and the exhaustion of sharing my feelings on other people's terms. Someday I will feel comfortable with letting others in and then it will be up to them if they choose to keep reading. 

 I guess that pretty much sums up this new begining...

jenn