Look for the Signs

Looking back in my life and my marriage, I have never been a big believer in "signs". If I am honest, I try to look for reassurances that I am on the right path or "feelings" that we are where we are supposed to be, but I don't specifically trust "signs". I typically trust in prayer and faith that God is in control either way.

Going back a little, I think my dislike of signs is probably due to my engagement ring. You see, a few months after I got engaged (to the most wonderful man in the world) I started to get irritated skin on my ring finger. Irritation turned into bumps, which turned into blisters, which led to me painting the inside of my engagement ring with clear finger nail polish for several months. Eventually, I did allergy testing and learned that I am allergic to gold. Yes, actually gold. They thought it was the nickel mixed in with the white gold, but no... it's really the gold. Anyway, my sweet husband ended up paying more money to get my ring reset in platinum and needless to say the bumps and redness have been gone ever since. We have also joked ever since that it's a  good thing we don't believe in signs because what does it say if you are allergic to your engagement ring. 

Well friends, this week I want to believe in signs!

January 18, 2012: We attended our IVF Class. We had made the huge decision to pursue treatment and IVF was our first attempt at any type of assisted fertility. It honestly felt like a new beginning because we were so hopeful that this would be the path that led to our first child.

Well fast-forward (or look back and read past posts) and obviously the IVF didn't work. We struggled, we prayed, and then we got excited about adoption being the path that God has planned for our family. I feel incredible peace about this decision and I cannot wait to meet the child and birth family that will become such a significant part of our lives.

January 18, 2013: We got a call from our agency about a potential match. I know almost nothing about the situation except that the expectant mother is due in 3-4 weeks!! (Holy Cow!! I can't even believe it when I write it down) Our agency wanted us to know about this possible situation because we were making plans to turn in applications at other agencies and they didn't want us to unnecessarily waste time or money (which I appreciate). However, we were warned that there was so much more to be done before this was an "official" match. They are still working to located the birth father and until that occurs we will not be in a position to meet with the expectant mother. They also warned us that even if things continue to move along smoothly, they are doubtful that all the legal issues will be handled by the time of birth therefore the child will likely need to go to interim care. Then...they said they would be in touch when they knew more.

So today my friends, I want so badly to believe that this is all a "sign" of great things to come. That our preparation for growing our family that started on January 18, 2012 was really just a stepping stone to God's plan of preparation that started EXACTLY one year later on January 18, 2013. Either way, I am working to keep my focus on Him and trust that even if this situation doesn't work out, our great God still has incredible plans for us and our family.

So, please keep us in your prayers. Most importantly keep this birth family and this child in your prayers.

...untill we know more,

jenn

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Back in time for Christmas

It's been an eternity (aka. 7 months) since I have written to the blogger world. Not because there hasn't been anything happening, but honestly just because I haven't felt like it. And truthfully, because life is busy and when I do have time for the computer I haven't wanted to spend that time rehashing my feelings, my life, etc. However, I am still taking time to read everyone else's blogs, so thanks for not being a slacker like me!

So why write today??

No particular reason. Bored. Procrastinating work. Looking for something to fill my days yet not feeling motivated to get up and do anything.

Anyway, I guess it also just felt like time for an official update....we are adopting!!

We spent the summer getting background checks, having interviews, writing biographies, attending weddings/traveling, and reading books to settle into the idea of adoption. Then in November we attended classes at a local adoption agency, put together a profile, and became an official waiting family.

As you can imagine we are thrilled. I feel 100% at peace with our decision to pursue adoption and when I look at my future family I can't imagine it coming together any other way. I am excited about a relationship with birth parents, although I am realistic that it will be difficult in different ways at different times, I am still anxious and excited to know them and know their story. My only doubts at this point involve how long the process will take. I feel like waiting with an agency locally could take easily a year, just because they do less placements/year than the national agencies. We are planning to apply with out of state agencies too, but that feels like a lot more work, a lot more money, and a lot more difficulty with regard to travel, time off, legal issues, etc. Originally, I saw us almost exclusively wanting to adopt from out of state but as I have become increasingly comfortable with open adoption and because I already like the people at our current agency, I guess I just don't feel like starting over. So, I am trying to hold out hope that the local option will come through quickly. Either way, I know that God has great plans for us and the perfect baby will come in His perfect timing.

So, that's where we are. It's a good place to be and the peacefulness I feel about our plan is truly a gift from God. Now if God would just get me a baby or a puppy for Christmas, I think this holiday season could just be the best one yet!

jenn

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WTF...

Today was our follow-up appointment at the RE to discuss our failed IVF cycle. More lovingly referred to as a WHAT THE FUCK appointment, as in what the fuck went wrong?

So, when asked the token question our RE simply replied that he doesn't know. Everything about our cycle looked great. My Estrodial level rose perfectly, my lining was think, transfer was easy, etc. His only exception was related to our fertilization rate, which was only 7 of the 15 eggs. He said he would have wanted 9, however the difference of 2 embryos was not that significant. The only negative thing he could really say about our cycle is that we didn't get pregnant.

So, we discussed the possibility of a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in the future. We have one embryo that was frozen and it is a D/A quality. Our clinic defines embryos by 2 grades. The first D means the most expanded and the A means the highest quality. Just for reference, the two embryos we transferred on our fresh cycle were B/B. That means 2nd worst grade for being expanded but 2nd best quality. 

So, our 1 frozen embie is the best one of the whole cycle, which is great because sometimes embryos drop a grade in quality when they thaw, which means we could end up with a D/B.
Anyway, the disappointing news about a possible FET cycle is that embryo's only have a 60-70% chance of surviving the thaw. Meaning we could do 6 weeks of medications and building up hope, only to have the cycle cancelled on transfer day because our grade A embie doesn't survive the thaw.

This is the point in our meeting that reaffirmed to be how crappy this whole IVF cycle can be. Not only did our cycle fail, but now I have one super perfect embie, but if we try and transfer it in the future, we will only have a 60% chance of making it to the actual transfer, then if we make it that far, we will only have a 60% chance that our super perfect embie will implant.

I want to be positive but it sounds like a recipe for disappointment, stress, and heart ache.

So, the recommendation from the RE (which honestly I agree with and appreciate) is that if we move forward then it should be another fresh IVF cycle. He wants to switch from an antagonist cycle and instead do a lupron cycle. The only reason for the switch is because the antagonist cycle didn't work last time. An added bonus of the lupron would maybe be improved egg quality, thereby improving the chances of fertilization. He said the sperm quality could also be contributing to the fertilization rate, but beyond taking calcium and zinc, there is little we can do to improve the sperm any further. Anyway, we would hopefully get pregnant with IVF #2 and then have some embryos left to freeze as well. Then in the future if we ever wanted to do a FET, we could thaw embies from cycle #1 and cycle #2 hopefully giving us at least 2 embies to transfer after the thaw.

That's the basic facts about where we are. It makes sense to me and seems like a rational progression of treatment. It also makes me sad. It disappoints me that we would be starting over yet the results could be the same. I know IVF is always a risk but I just can't help but wonder today if the risk is too high right now.

We aren't going to rush a decision. We are going to pray about it and think about it over the next few weeks. We also have an appointment with a local adoption agency on Monday to discuss a possible home study. I am excited about moving forward and I am thankful that in spite of our BFN disappointment, our marriage is stronger than ever. God is good and I remain faithful that he has a plan for us that will exceed all of our expectations.

jenn

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Unconditional Giving

I have tried to start this blog post for a month. I've actually written a few paragraphs and then given up because it did not convey the emotion I wanted or because I got off track, as I often do when writing. It's amazing to me how sometimes I feel like I could just sit and let words pour out and other times I just can not say what it is I am trying to say.

This week in our small group we did a session from "Five things God uses to Grow your Faith" by Andy Stanley. The lesson was about using "Private Disciplines" described as prayer, giving, or other 'acts of righteousness'  to honor God and build our relationship with him. The focus was how private disciplines benefit the people performing them, not those they give to, and that these disciplines will only bring us closer to God. The scripture references for this lesson referred to Matthew 6: 1-4, where Jesus teaches about giving to the needy.

Jesus says "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So, when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have already received their reward in full."

The study went on to explain that if you are rewarded by men for your good deeds, then you do not need God's reward. So, do not give to the needy when everyone can see and then praise your acts, instead do it in secret to get glory from God. (Now, I must add that I do not believe that this text has universal application. I believe that there will be times when we give to the needy even though we are visible to others, yet we are still giving with a pure heart and purpose. I also believe that there will be times when we receive praise for our acts of generosity from those around us, yet even still, God will provide us with his reward.)  


This week, God has shown us true giving in a way that I have never witnessed with my own eyes. I feel guilty when I say that out loud, because I do believe that Jesus died for our sins and I live each day knowing that his death was truly the ultimate gift. Yet, what I know and believe vs. what I witness with my own eyes are different. And what I see tends to impact by soul in a different way than those things I am taught. I know that God understands these muddled thoughts, which is why since the time of the disciples he has been creating acts on earth to help all of us who struggle to truly grasp without seeing. I should work on my guilt about this because I am pretty sure God never seemed to judge Thomas for wanting to touch the holes left in Jesus' hands. Regardless, I return to the point that God showed me his providence this week and then just in case I was doubting at all, he had me to attend a bible study to spell out his purpose!

Several weeks ago, we received a donation to help us grow our family. The gift came with a letter but no conversation was ever had with the giver about our infertility. That being said, the gift came with no conditions and no expectations. The only stated desire was to lessen the role of money in our decision making and to help us have the children "we deserve". I was speechless upon receiving this gift and I still struggle to find the words to give it justice.

I know that God is showing me that He will provide for us and that no obstacle is too big for His mighty works. I feel a renewed trust that the Lord has plans for us and I find myself feeling increasingly grateful that we have experienced this struggle with infertility. I know that sounds crazy but if I am honest I know that I needed something big to happen in order for me to truly surrender to God and realize he is in complete control. I pray that this road leads us to a life where we are parents but even if it doesn't, I know that this road has led us into a deeper relationship with our Lord, which will provide rewards and peace that will surpass anything I can imagine.

God is so good and I know He is preparing an incredible reward for that amazing soul who stepped out and blessed our family during this time of struggle.

jenn

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Six weeks and peace remains...

It's been six weeks since my world changed. Since I knew concretely that I would never "just get pregnant". That I would never surprise my husband in some cute way with news of a late period and expected child (yes, I admit that in the first few years of TTC I used to think up cute ways to tell Kevan we were pregnant, ie. clues around the house, baby clothes in his dresser, etc). After our appointment with the Urologist, I knew that for us to ever have a child it would take thousand's of dollars, hours of prayer, and science that I would never completely understand.

For the past six weeks I have been grieving the loss of what I thought our family would look like. I have been coming to grips with what our future may entail, although I admit that we have yet to make any decisions about what path we will take to have children. However, I've decided that the strangest thing about the past six weeks, is that I have almost completely forgotten about the actual doctors appointment. I don't replay the conversations in my head, I don't google for other treatment options, and I don't overanalyze why we couldn't have gotten different news from the MD. Since I returned from Knoxille, I have simply been okay with our inability to conceive naturally and I have been consciously struggling to stay immersed in the peace that God provided me in the aftermath of that appointment.

On that note, let me back up...

The morning after our urology visit, I woke up in a cabin with swollen eyes and a heavy heart. The other house guests were sleeping in, so I got up with my sweet husband who had held me six hours earlier as I cried myself to sleep. It was quiet in the cabin and I could feel the tension between us as we fixed cereal.  Did yesterday really happen? Can our marriage handle this? What do you say to make it better?

So, as Kevan settled into the screened in porch with his coffee and a book, I headed out for a morning walk with our dog. What better companion than the one who can't talk and always seems to understand how I am feeling? We started down the gravel road which runs around the perimeter of the lake. I needed to be alone that morning. The ache in my heart was more significant than anything I had ever felt and the tears were unstoppable. It all felt so overwhelming, like there was no room in my head for any other thoughts, yet I seemed powerless to make sense of the information that was swirling around. I wasn't even reviewing the appointment or the words of the urologist, I was simply grieving. I was ruminating on the idea that we would never get pregnant on our own. That every child would have to be planned, thought out, pros and cons would be weighed, bank accounts would be emptied, and we would have to make a heavy decisions just to "try" to get pregnant. It is just not what I wanted and not what I planned for my marriage, my future, and my children.

But as I walked and cried, I did the only thing I know to do in times of despair...I prayed. I cried out for God to wrap his arms around me, to take away the pain, and bring me peace. I told Him that although I would need His guidance in the future as to how we should proceed, all I wanted today was peace. For the Holy Spirit to wash over me and bring a peace to my heart that would surpass all human understanding. I wept on the banks of the lake while I watched the sun gain height over the water. I took deep breaths and every time I thought I could begin the walk back, I would collapsed in more tears and desperation.

I wish I could say that then, finally, in one bold movement, God spoke to me... but that isn't what happen.

Instead I slowly ran out of tears and slowly the jumbled mess in my brain began to form real thoughts. I was able to see the beauty and magnitude of God's world surrounding me. I felt more comfort in knowing that at least we had options to have children and with choices came hope for the future. I also felt reassured that God's plans are always greater than my plans and when I look back at every trial from my past- I am assured that things happened for great reason, that it couldn't have worked out better, and that God was right all along re: knowing just what I needed. Then I thought about trials in life and all the things I could be facing. I began saying prayers of thanksgiving for our health, our family, and most importantly that God had already been generous enough to give me such an incredible husband. I thanked God that if I had to face a "trial" that would test my marriage and my faith, then at least it was infertility and it was something Kevan and I could tackle together. I mean, God never said life would be easy so if this is my path then God would give me strength to handle it, right? As my eyes began to clear and I retook my path along the lake, I continued to talk to God and He continued to provide peace. My grief did not disappear and I still felt tinges of pain, but the peace in my heart reassured me that it was all manageable...I could survive this.

Since that morning, I have held tightly to God and to His promise that all of this is part of His wondrous plan for my life. I have managed to avoid feeling bitter and instead embrace this chapter in our life and stay faithful that it will be a time of growth and strength in our marriage. I do not pretend that some days I do not feel incredibly sad and frustrated that it cannot be easier for us. That I do not occasionally feel overwhelmed with jealousy for the pregnant girl in the grocery store or I do not loath the constant facebook pregnancy announcements. But I also know that grief comes in waves and occasionally those waves will knock you down and shove salt water up your nose. I am grieving the loss of what I thought my family would look like, but that does not mean that I am not faithful that God's plans for my family will be far greater than mine.

jenn

Then you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ." Phillipians 4:7 NLT

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Part I: Feeling the Wait

I have attempted to write this blog for weeks...two weeks to be exact since our 3 hour drive to find a new urologist. It's been hard to put the appointment into words...i am also struggling with how I want to remember the day. I know that may sound silly but I have fluctuated between wanting to record every feeling to sticking simply to the facts. Not sure why the blog-o-sphere has suddenly become the place where I think I am storing my memories of infertility but it feels permanent when I post here. Like someday when I do have a baby this will be my only reference point for how terrible things were because all that pain will fade away when I no longer define myself by infertility. I know that is a stretch but I like to imagine that it will be that easy. Hell, something should be that easy right?

So, Friday the 29th we packed up the car with the dog and cooler to head for a great weekend at my family's lake house on Norris. No work, just a weekend in the sun, on a boat, with a beer...well, right after we stop in Knoxville for that pesky appointment.

The drive was uneventful and I must say that having the dog always keeps the mood feeling lighter. So, we get to Knoxville, drive straight to my aunts house, drop the dog, and leave for UT Medical Center. At this point, we are arriving an hour early (really 1.5 hours early because the MD said to come 30 minutes early anyway). So we sit in the parking garage and start to panic for a little bit. We offer vague reassurances back and forth and then decide to talk it over one more time. I am a big advocate of talking about anything. So, Kev practiced his monologue-synopsis of our timeline and how we got here while I interjected the facts we just couldn't leave out. Then we reviewed the question list and I asked for the fiftieth time if there wasn't something we should add.  Finally, we decided to abandon the parking garage and wait in the office, just for a change in scenery.

Before leaving the car, we held hands and prayed. We prayed that the doctor would provide us with answers that we had been seeking and that God would provide us with peace - no matter what those answers were. Honestly, I had been praying this for weeks. Just prayers for answers and prayers for peace. I know selfishly I wanted to stipulate that God provide easy answers but I all I could muster the courage to ask for were some kind of answers and peace.

After pacing the hallway and returning a few phone calls we entered the waiting room. Kevan filled out a few papers and we sat. I then suggested we play scrabble on our phones since Dr. Phil and old issues of crappy magazines were the only other options. Scrabble was the best distraction I could have imagined. No time for anxiety, no time to fret...instead just refocusing energy of beating each other in calming game.

They finally called Kevan's name and led us down a narrow hallway to a big conference room. There was a large wooden table surrounded with leather chairs on casters. The walls were lined with bookshelves which housed Glenn's guide to Urologic Surgery, pamphlets galore for cialis, vesicare, detrol, and viagra, and last but not least several plastic models of the male urinary/reproductive tract. Our favorite replica was demonstrating how a penis pump implant could work for you!

Our new waiting room felt full of opportunities and I immediately felt comforted that we were going to have a place to sit and talk. I already felt like this time they were going to listen and I was prepared to voice my concerns. I opened my binder in front of me and re-read my question list. Then I re-read the lab work we were providing and tried to control my mind as we waited...

jenn

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Anatomy of Hope

I am not sure what to say or exactly how I feel, but for some reason I just felt like writing it down could help me put it all together. 

 Our appointment with the new urologist is Friday. All week I have felt overcome with emotions. I am hopeful that this new doctor will provide answers and that he will somehow give us a chance at conceiving without IUI or IVF. Then I back up and remind myself that there are rarely easy fixes when it comes to prostate health and I should not get to excited, only to be let down again. I hate how this journey of infertility makes me so guarded when it comes to being hopeful. 

Last week I checked out a book on tape "The Anatomy of Hope; how people prevail in the face of illness". It is written by an oncologist/hematologist and it gives anecdotal accounts of patients who are fighting cancer either with or without hope of recovery/remission. It also gives great insight into Dr. Groopman's strategies for instilling hope in his patients, since he has found hope is crucial for success. 

I love it so far. 

I have been listening in the car during the day and I find myself sitting outside of my appointments for 5 or 10 minutes, trying to get to a stopping point. I love it for the insights it provides me when dealing with my terminally ill patients and I love it for how it relates to our ongoing attempts to prevail through infertility. Today, I stopped with a quote about hope that struck me in my core...

"Hope can arrive only when you can recognize that there are real options and you have genuine choices. Hope can flourish only when you believe that what you do can make a difference. That your actions can bring about a future, different from the present. To have hope then, is to acquire a belief in your ability to have some control over your circumstances. You are no longer entirely at the mercy of forces outside yourself."

I feel taken aback again, just my writing down those words. I constantly feel lost and overwhelmed by those forces outside of myself. I lose hope because I feel like nothing we do has made a difference. Not our attempts to eat healthier, forgo adult beverages, or stay out of hot tubs. Even our scheduling of love making, my hours of research, or the multiple probes and prods that we pay to receive. Nothing I do feels like it will bring about a different future...until now. 

I hesitantly admit that I am hopeful that this step, this venture to find a specialist 3 hours away, could maybe, possibly, hopefully, result in a future different from the present. 

If I am truly honest I want it to result in a baby. 

But as this week drags on, I am realizing that maybe God's plan will not be for this urologist to find a magical way for Kev to get me pregnant. Maybe it will just be the first step of me taking control of our future. The beginning of me realizing that we have genuine choices...choices about what doctor we see, choices about how we more forward from here, just genuine choices. Maybe I can let my guard down and let hope in, not because my hope may not be shaken with every bit of disappointing news we hear, because it will; but maybe I can let hope in so that it will slowly start to grow, as we slowly start to take control of our circumstances. Maybe my hope will shift from strictly having hope that we will have our own child... into hope that the choices we make will lead us to a life with children that complete us. 

Not sure how this will all work out, but if nothing else I am praying that I can let my guard down a little and find a way to let hope flourish.

jenn

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adopt and buy earplugs

So, although we have never had a real conversation about adoption, it has been on my heart a lot recently.

I know it began a few weeks ago when I picked up a book at my public library by Scott Simon, a journalist for NPR and other programs, titled "baby, we were meant for each other". I am not sure why it called my name in the library or if it just was an easy pick from the "new release" shelf, but either way the book came home with me. It is described on the cover as "a praise of adoption" and I fully agree with that description. It shares details of the Simon's trips to China while adopting their two daughters. It also shares stories from other persons who adopted children of their own or were adopted previously in life.  One significant point that I took away from the book is that adoption takes great preparation of your heart for the trials that will come, both while trying to adopt but also during the life of your child. The realization that people will say hurtful things to you that are never meant to be hurtful, like "can you really love someone else's child as much as your own" or "do you wish you had a real child"...like physically birthing a child is the only thing that makes it real. The scenarios rushed into my head as I read the book and I thought to myself "I could handle those things" because I would see those comments for what they were...not people being malicious, instead just people talking without thinking of how their words could affect others. You see, I have a habit of feeling like I can handle bad behavior or otherwise difficult things as long as I can justify why they occur...because honestly i do not think that most people intend to do harm. Regardless, I read this book thinking that it would be hard, however I could handle the comments that came with raising an adopted child...if I could just have that child to love.

Then the other night my illusions of strength were brought into reality when spending time with friends. A girl was talking about her dog and it's difficult/odd behaviors such as being skittish around large groups and chewing on things. She then discussed the fact that the dog was a rescue animal and it had never had a real home before her, not to mention that she was not sure what type of difficult things that the dog might have endured before it was placed into her care. She then said "you know it's like when you adopt a child at like a year old. So before you get it, it hasn't been held much and then is bound to have some attachment disorders or other things wrong with it".

I sat shocked in my chair.

She basically said that all adopted children were defective from the start (as was her dog) and that there is nothing you can do about it. Now, I will not take the time to get into why I think that this statement was completely wrong from a developmental standpoint ie. Erikson, Freud, Piaget, etc. Nor, will I address all of the other reasons that her dog may act out the way it acts out. However, I will say that for the first time I sat there feeling personally feeling offended by a statement about adoption. Now, I know we have not adopted a child nor have we decided if this will even be an option, however I saw my possible future and felt hurt for myself and for my imaginary adopted children.

I recognize that this event is a time when I must extend God's grace to others. There is no way that my dear friend meant to paint all adopted children (or animals) with such a broad stroke. And if she truly did, then who am I to sit and judge her opinions or ideals about the world. However, as I step away from her comments and from Scott Simon's book, I have a new gravity that comes to my situation. I am realizing that by telling people about our infertility, I am also opening myself up to their opinions. Their thoughts, convictions, judgements, and ideals about adoption, IVF, or living in a childless marriage. I know that people share their feelings about decisions that I make for my life of a regular basis, but I admit that I cannot imagine people feeling like they have a right to cast an opinion about if or how I have a child, until they have been in my shoes, period. This struggle and heartache just feels so personal, so raw, and so uncertain in my own heart, I admit that I am terrified today to think about also dealing with how other people see my decisions.

So today I reside to the truth. The reality is that 3 weeks after finishing "baby, we were meant for each other", i now recognize that to survive adoption or assisted reproduction I will have to develop a tough skin and an ample supply of the Lord's grace. It also means that I will have to face my insecurities about telling people that we cannot conceive and I will have to learn to let their judgements and statements roll off my back  - since God's judgement is really the only one that matters. I pray that we will reach a decision about adoption or assisted reproduction and I will feel so confident and so at peace with my choice that I will not even hear the questions that other people will raise about my situation. However, I know that to achieve this peace it takes a surrender to God's plan that I am still struggling with on a daily basis. Lord, please provide me with joy and peace while I continue to struggle.

jenn

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4: 6-7 NLT

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Moments

Over the past few weeks I have thought about blogging several times, however I keep struggling to formulate my thoughts into a single post. I think that is because nothing big is happening to us right now. By "big" I guess I mean that we have not made any follow up MD appointments, we have not discussed the next step ie. IUI, IVF, adoption, etc, and we are not facing any new challenges or specific health concerns. It is just daily life and daily struggles.

When I started the blog I assumed I would have a lot to say about life or about TTC because those thoughts fill my mind so often during a day. However, what I have found is that although infertility creeps into my mind on at least an hourly basis, those thoughts are just fleeting moments in my life...rarely worth the dedication of an entire blog post. Honestly, it is hard to admit that...because these thoughts/emotions feel incredibly all-consuming when they come over me. While cooking dinner, in sessions with patients, or laying in bed with my husband, thoughts of a child-less life invade my mind like a disease. Yet, I must remind myself that infertility is just one part of my story and these feelings just consume moments in my life...they are not a description of my entire life. They do not define me and they do not give credit to all of the blessings that God continues to provide me on a daily basis.

Yet tonight I am also filled with an odd feeling of wanting to release these feelings that overwhelm me moment by moment, but also not wanting to give them the power to consume my life. Why does writing something down seem to give it so much power? I know that may not make sense considering I started this blog, but I think deep down I worry that by blogging about infertility I have just created that much more time that I will spend focused on infertility. Not only do child-less thoughts invade my mind when I least expect it, but now I am also trying to set aside time to formulate my thoughts and write about those moments. Intellectually, I know that writing about my feelings will provide me a release but I also don't want to focus more on these fleeting moments in my life...when I should be focusing on all of the other blessings that God provides.

I continue to pray for God's guidance in this journey. I pray that he will give me the strength to control my mind and not let thoughts of failure invade my heart. I pray that God will keep me focused on Him and His plans for my life, because I know that His way is the only way that will provide peace in this worldly life. Finally, I honestly believe that God knows the desires of my heart and I am faithful that if I surrender to Him, then God will fill me with a joy that exceeds all understanding. God please fill my heart with your joy and help me to remember that the only certainty in this world is that you are in control.

jenn

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