the beginning of the end...

I must begin by saying I have several half written blogs from the past few weeks of our cycle. Somehow I could never seem to finish them, although I wish I had kept the blog a little more up to date through our stimming, retrieval, and transfer. Maybe someday I will finish them and post them...maybe not.

Tomorrow is our Beta. This is the day that I kept waiting for and now I wish it would just be over. Last night around 6:30 I started lightly spotting. I fell apart rather quickly. The tears just wouldn't stop and the pain was all encompassing. Last time I cried like this was when I found out my sister was pregnant on Thanksgiving, while Kevan was out of town and not here to hold me. Last night he was here but couldn't say anything to ease the pain. I went to bed at 7:30. Since daylight savings occurred last week it was still light outside, but I just wanted to be in the bed. I struggled to sleep and woke often through the night, then this morning I stupidly took my temperature. I gained false hope as it remained high. ~I say false hope because since this morning google has taught me that BBT's stay high due to a combination of progesterone and other hormones. Sadly, that 1cc shot in my ass each night is probably keeping my temp up no matter what.

Anyway, I have been spotting all day. TMI...it's brownish in color, not red, and it is definitely spotting not full flow, but it is also accompanied by cramps and overall period-blah feeling. I tried to work but I know I was sucking at my job, so I took half a day off and went to lunch with my IF friends. They were helpful and even spoke up on behalf of all infertiles to a cashier who was making stupid comments about a new mother in line behind us. I was paralyzed and thought I might cry at Panera, but my girls were there for me. It was truly nice to be in a place where I didn't have to pretend to be happy or fully-present in the conversation, I could just be there exactly how I was honestly feeling today. Now, I have been sleeping on the couch for 1.5 hours even though there is no way that I am tired, I just don't want to face the world any more.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I didn't expect it to end this way. I expected to call tomorrow and deal with the results via phone, husband by my side, and honestly, I felt like it was going to work. I mostly had let my guard down and allowed myself to be excited that this was really happening. After all, why shouldn't it work. We have male factor problems that they feel confident they can fix with ICIS, so why shouldn't I be able to grow a child with the assistance of a little technology? But in spite of all of that, it didn't end any differently. After all this time and all this effort, I did not feel prepared for the option that it would end the same as every other month...me alone in the bathroom, looking down in defeat, at a darkened tissue that was announcing once again that we had achieved nothing.

I feel frustrated that my clinic in no way prepared me for this outcome. They drilled into our heads that we should definitely wait for a Beta instead of "peeing on a stick"  but no attention was given to the fact that good old Aunt Flo might come knocking before you are even scheduled for your Beta. Plus, now what am I supposed to do tomorrow? I know that if I am still spotting we will go for our Beta as planned and still be anxious before calling our voice mail because you always hear about those miracle people who still get BFP's after days of spotting. But honestly, as this day drags on and the intensity of my craps increased and color of my spotting darkens, I know where this is headed. So, when Aunt Flo comes on full force by the AM, do I go and get tested like a good patient even though all hope will already be gone...because if she comes full force in the morning, there is no embie that could survive the gushing of a full cycle day 1 shedding.

I just feel broken. Frustrated that it ended with me in the bathroom, like it does every other month, even though this month we paid thousands of dollars, said millions of prayers, and let so many people into our circle of trust (all of whom I will now have to tell that we failed, and then I get to endure their looks of pity). I feel exhausted that we are now starting all over. I know that this was a step in our journey but I hate the idea of enduring more decision making about adoption vs. trying to unfreeze our one lonely embie and hope that somehow that one can implant when these two couldn't?

All that being said, I can't help but still feel confident that God has great plans for us. I trust that if this cycle doesn't work, then it was because He knows that we will be parents another way, at another time. I just wish we didn't have to continue to endure so much hurt and heartache before we could figure out the plans He has for us. Come on burning bush...haven't I earned I clear sign that points to motherhood??

jenn

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Pure Joy

For the first time in about a decade, I am thrilled to tell you that I am truly and 100% happy for someone else and their new child. I feel guilty saying that, especially since I've had several nieces that have been born in these recent years; but if I am honest I have always had a bit of jealousy or pain when someone else got to meet their child and I remained a waiting mother. 

But a few weeks ago, some of our newest and dearest friends have met their son. You can read the details from their perspective on their fabulous blog, but today I must give you my version of our relationship with this awesome couple. 

First, this couple is awesome because they were the primary reason my sweet hubby and I ever went to the Resolve support group for a second time (I must stop there to add that I love all my resolve peeps and there have been a million reasons since that first Tuesday that keep me returning each month. But for the sake of honesty and historical accuracy, this couple was the difference between "1 and done" vs. "lets give that support group another shot"). You see, their first meeting was my first meeting and even though I had left my better half at home, they attended the group as a couple.  They spoke openly and honestly about their male factor sterility and all I could think was that I never should have left Kevan at home. He needed to hear another guy talk about male factor infertility, he needed to see what I was seeing, which is that there were other couples that looked normal and that were facing problems like we were facing on a daily basis...and they were surviving it too!  So, I promptly raced home and told Kevan all about their story and encouraged him that in the future he should come to Resolve meetings with me, because he would love to know people like this! 

Fast forward ten long months since the first support group that we attended together and I have grown incredibly close to these people. They have stood by us while we were searching for a diagnosis, they have offered genuine support while we tried to make decisions about ivf vs. adoption, and they have provided laughs when all we wanted to do was cry. During this same time frame they have struggled with creating an adoption profile, revisited the issue of sterility, and they have gotten a home study approved. So, finally after years of trying they have been given the greatest gift any infertile can imagine...a healthy and beautiful son!! 

I am honestly thrilled about this child. I keep looking at pictures they post of him on twitter and I am counting down the days till I get to meet him. Last night at our resolve meeting, a mutual friend was quizzing me about their adoption news and I was proudly showing off pics like the loving aunt that I am. Mostly, I just love having this sort of excitement for someone else. I love not having to push down feelings of jealousy because honestly this time all I feel is hopeful. Their placement reiterates to me that even though this process is long and hard, we will all eventually graduate from this world of infertility and join the ranks of parents. 

Congratulations T & R, I cannot wait for our children to play together...

jenn

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adopt and buy earplugs

So, although we have never had a real conversation about adoption, it has been on my heart a lot recently.

I know it began a few weeks ago when I picked up a book at my public library by Scott Simon, a journalist for NPR and other programs, titled "baby, we were meant for each other". I am not sure why it called my name in the library or if it just was an easy pick from the "new release" shelf, but either way the book came home with me. It is described on the cover as "a praise of adoption" and I fully agree with that description. It shares details of the Simon's trips to China while adopting their two daughters. It also shares stories from other persons who adopted children of their own or were adopted previously in life.  One significant point that I took away from the book is that adoption takes great preparation of your heart for the trials that will come, both while trying to adopt but also during the life of your child. The realization that people will say hurtful things to you that are never meant to be hurtful, like "can you really love someone else's child as much as your own" or "do you wish you had a real child"...like physically birthing a child is the only thing that makes it real. The scenarios rushed into my head as I read the book and I thought to myself "I could handle those things" because I would see those comments for what they were...not people being malicious, instead just people talking without thinking of how their words could affect others. You see, I have a habit of feeling like I can handle bad behavior or otherwise difficult things as long as I can justify why they occur...because honestly i do not think that most people intend to do harm. Regardless, I read this book thinking that it would be hard, however I could handle the comments that came with raising an adopted child...if I could just have that child to love.

Then the other night my illusions of strength were brought into reality when spending time with friends. A girl was talking about her dog and it's difficult/odd behaviors such as being skittish around large groups and chewing on things. She then discussed the fact that the dog was a rescue animal and it had never had a real home before her, not to mention that she was not sure what type of difficult things that the dog might have endured before it was placed into her care. She then said "you know it's like when you adopt a child at like a year old. So before you get it, it hasn't been held much and then is bound to have some attachment disorders or other things wrong with it".

I sat shocked in my chair.

She basically said that all adopted children were defective from the start (as was her dog) and that there is nothing you can do about it. Now, I will not take the time to get into why I think that this statement was completely wrong from a developmental standpoint ie. Erikson, Freud, Piaget, etc. Nor, will I address all of the other reasons that her dog may act out the way it acts out. However, I will say that for the first time I sat there feeling personally feeling offended by a statement about adoption. Now, I know we have not adopted a child nor have we decided if this will even be an option, however I saw my possible future and felt hurt for myself and for my imaginary adopted children.

I recognize that this event is a time when I must extend God's grace to others. There is no way that my dear friend meant to paint all adopted children (or animals) with such a broad stroke. And if she truly did, then who am I to sit and judge her opinions or ideals about the world. However, as I step away from her comments and from Scott Simon's book, I have a new gravity that comes to my situation. I am realizing that by telling people about our infertility, I am also opening myself up to their opinions. Their thoughts, convictions, judgements, and ideals about adoption, IVF, or living in a childless marriage. I know that people share their feelings about decisions that I make for my life of a regular basis, but I admit that I cannot imagine people feeling like they have a right to cast an opinion about if or how I have a child, until they have been in my shoes, period. This struggle and heartache just feels so personal, so raw, and so uncertain in my own heart, I admit that I am terrified today to think about also dealing with how other people see my decisions.

So today I reside to the truth. The reality is that 3 weeks after finishing "baby, we were meant for each other", i now recognize that to survive adoption or assisted reproduction I will have to develop a tough skin and an ample supply of the Lord's grace. It also means that I will have to face my insecurities about telling people that we cannot conceive and I will have to learn to let their judgements and statements roll off my back  - since God's judgement is really the only one that matters. I pray that we will reach a decision about adoption or assisted reproduction and I will feel so confident and so at peace with my choice that I will not even hear the questions that other people will raise about my situation. However, I know that to achieve this peace it takes a surrender to God's plan that I am still struggling with on a daily basis. Lord, please provide me with joy and peace while I continue to struggle.

jenn

"Do not worry about anything; instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
Phillipians 4: 6-7 NLT

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best way to get pregnant

I hung out with friends from college last night. One of whom is pregnant, not on purpose, but still excited. She talked about the pros/cons of pregnancy and I didn't feel jealous or hurt, just excited for her. She did tell a story about when she went to her OB to confirm the pregnancy and she told them she wasn't trying to get pregnant that they said...but that is the best way for this to happen. The other girls there (both single) agreed that the OB was crazy because why would you want it to happen without trying?? I just sat quietly thinking to myself....that is the best way to get pregnant, because there is nothing worse then having to try and try and try only to fail and fail and fail.

Later in the conversation they confirmed my feelings about not wanting to be open about our infertility struggles. They talked about another friend from college and how she had just confirmed that pregnancy was a doubtful option for her after TTC for years. My prego friend discussed how hard it was to be excited around her and talk to her non-prego friend about the new baby. I know she does this to spare her friend's feelings but God help me when people start watching their words or actions around me just because I can't get pregnant. All I think is "what would make things worse than feeling all alone and infertile?" - how about all of your friends stopping talking to you during their pregnancies and births!!

I also must add that I think on some level people do not feel comfortable taking about babies in front of infertile friends, not only to be sensitive to feelings, but instead because it is uncomfortable for them. It makes me think of a friend of mine who lost her infant child to a congenital heart defect. She often laughs that she wants to wear a button that reads " I am sorry my grief makes you uncomfortable". I think that is an incredibly true and incredibly hard statement. Our society avoids talking about hard topics because we don't know what to say, and by avoiding these topics all we do is further isolate those who need the most support. I know I am choosing not to share my trials with others at this time, but I am praying about it and hoping God will help me chose the right time and the right people to confide in.

Regardless, I think if I do start telling people we are "infertile", then maybe I could get a button to wear to baby showers and sip-n-sees that reads "i am sorry my empty womb makes it awkward for you to be pregnant".

jenn

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