Moments

Over the past few weeks I have thought about blogging several times, however I keep struggling to formulate my thoughts into a single post. I think that is because nothing big is happening to us right now. By "big" I guess I mean that we have not made any follow up MD appointments, we have not discussed the next step ie. IUI, IVF, adoption, etc, and we are not facing any new challenges or specific health concerns. It is just daily life and daily struggles.

When I started the blog I assumed I would have a lot to say about life or about TTC because those thoughts fill my mind so often during a day. However, what I have found is that although infertility creeps into my mind on at least an hourly basis, those thoughts are just fleeting moments in my life...rarely worth the dedication of an entire blog post. Honestly, it is hard to admit that...because these thoughts/emotions feel incredibly all-consuming when they come over me. While cooking dinner, in sessions with patients, or laying in bed with my husband, thoughts of a child-less life invade my mind like a disease. Yet, I must remind myself that infertility is just one part of my story and these feelings just consume moments in my life...they are not a description of my entire life. They do not define me and they do not give credit to all of the blessings that God continues to provide me on a daily basis.

Yet tonight I am also filled with an odd feeling of wanting to release these feelings that overwhelm me moment by moment, but also not wanting to give them the power to consume my life. Why does writing something down seem to give it so much power? I know that may not make sense considering I started this blog, but I think deep down I worry that by blogging about infertility I have just created that much more time that I will spend focused on infertility. Not only do child-less thoughts invade my mind when I least expect it, but now I am also trying to set aside time to formulate my thoughts and write about those moments. Intellectually, I know that writing about my feelings will provide me a release but I also don't want to focus more on these fleeting moments in my life...when I should be focusing on all of the other blessings that God provides.

I continue to pray for God's guidance in this journey. I pray that he will give me the strength to control my mind and not let thoughts of failure invade my heart. I pray that God will keep me focused on Him and His plans for my life, because I know that His way is the only way that will provide peace in this worldly life. Finally, I honestly believe that God knows the desires of my heart and I am faithful that if I surrender to Him, then God will fill me with a joy that exceeds all understanding. God please fill my heart with your joy and help me to remember that the only certainty in this world is that you are in control.

jenn