the beginning of the end...

I must begin by saying I have several half written blogs from the past few weeks of our cycle. Somehow I could never seem to finish them, although I wish I had kept the blog a little more up to date through our stimming, retrieval, and transfer. Maybe someday I will finish them and post them...maybe not.

Tomorrow is our Beta. This is the day that I kept waiting for and now I wish it would just be over. Last night around 6:30 I started lightly spotting. I fell apart rather quickly. The tears just wouldn't stop and the pain was all encompassing. Last time I cried like this was when I found out my sister was pregnant on Thanksgiving, while Kevan was out of town and not here to hold me. Last night he was here but couldn't say anything to ease the pain. I went to bed at 7:30. Since daylight savings occurred last week it was still light outside, but I just wanted to be in the bed. I struggled to sleep and woke often through the night, then this morning I stupidly took my temperature. I gained false hope as it remained high. ~I say false hope because since this morning google has taught me that BBT's stay high due to a combination of progesterone and other hormones. Sadly, that 1cc shot in my ass each night is probably keeping my temp up no matter what.

Anyway, I have been spotting all day. TMI...it's brownish in color, not red, and it is definitely spotting not full flow, but it is also accompanied by cramps and overall period-blah feeling. I tried to work but I know I was sucking at my job, so I took half a day off and went to lunch with my IF friends. They were helpful and even spoke up on behalf of all infertiles to a cashier who was making stupid comments about a new mother in line behind us. I was paralyzed and thought I might cry at Panera, but my girls were there for me. It was truly nice to be in a place where I didn't have to pretend to be happy or fully-present in the conversation, I could just be there exactly how I was honestly feeling today. Now, I have been sleeping on the couch for 1.5 hours even though there is no way that I am tired, I just don't want to face the world any more.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I didn't expect it to end this way. I expected to call tomorrow and deal with the results via phone, husband by my side, and honestly, I felt like it was going to work. I mostly had let my guard down and allowed myself to be excited that this was really happening. After all, why shouldn't it work. We have male factor problems that they feel confident they can fix with ICIS, so why shouldn't I be able to grow a child with the assistance of a little technology? But in spite of all of that, it didn't end any differently. After all this time and all this effort, I did not feel prepared for the option that it would end the same as every other month...me alone in the bathroom, looking down in defeat, at a darkened tissue that was announcing once again that we had achieved nothing.

I feel frustrated that my clinic in no way prepared me for this outcome. They drilled into our heads that we should definitely wait for a Beta instead of "peeing on a stick"  but no attention was given to the fact that good old Aunt Flo might come knocking before you are even scheduled for your Beta. Plus, now what am I supposed to do tomorrow? I know that if I am still spotting we will go for our Beta as planned and still be anxious before calling our voice mail because you always hear about those miracle people who still get BFP's after days of spotting. But honestly, as this day drags on and the intensity of my craps increased and color of my spotting darkens, I know where this is headed. So, when Aunt Flo comes on full force by the AM, do I go and get tested like a good patient even though all hope will already be gone...because if she comes full force in the morning, there is no embie that could survive the gushing of a full cycle day 1 shedding.

I just feel broken. Frustrated that it ended with me in the bathroom, like it does every other month, even though this month we paid thousands of dollars, said millions of prayers, and let so many people into our circle of trust (all of whom I will now have to tell that we failed, and then I get to endure their looks of pity). I feel exhausted that we are now starting all over. I know that this was a step in our journey but I hate the idea of enduring more decision making about adoption vs. trying to unfreeze our one lonely embie and hope that somehow that one can implant when these two couldn't?

All that being said, I can't help but still feel confident that God has great plans for us. I trust that if this cycle doesn't work, then it was because He knows that we will be parents another way, at another time. I just wish we didn't have to continue to endure so much hurt and heartache before we could figure out the plans He has for us. Come on burning bush...haven't I earned I clear sign that points to motherhood??

jenn

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