Everybody likes Pictures

Anyone that has ever read this blog knows that I am horrible blogger. I just disappear and then sometimes resurface. For that I apologize, but I never promised to be good at this.

I am not going to write a whole blog update today because I have an adorable baby to play with instead. That's right, Avery was born on March 6th at 7:57am and she is an absolute joy. I will also add that she is the result of that phone call on January 18, so thank you for all the prayers and thanks for your patience since I never updated after that post.

Someday I might come back to this space and update more about our adoption journey and our amazing hospital experience. However today, I will instead share our tumblr page that documents the day to day happenings of our little girl. A photo blog like tumblr is a little easier commitment for me during this season of life, plus I believe that everyone would prefer to just looks at pictures of a cute baby instead of reading my ramblings.

Without further delay...enjoy the pics of our sweet Avery and feel free to bookmark the page because I am actually doing a good job of updating the Tumblr site.

Avery Grace Tumblr Page

Love you all and thanks for years of support while we slowly made our way to the wonderful world of parenthood!

jenn

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Look for the Signs

Looking back in my life and my marriage, I have never been a big believer in "signs". If I am honest, I try to look for reassurances that I am on the right path or "feelings" that we are where we are supposed to be, but I don't specifically trust "signs". I typically trust in prayer and faith that God is in control either way.

Going back a little, I think my dislike of signs is probably due to my engagement ring. You see, a few months after I got engaged (to the most wonderful man in the world) I started to get irritated skin on my ring finger. Irritation turned into bumps, which turned into blisters, which led to me painting the inside of my engagement ring with clear finger nail polish for several months. Eventually, I did allergy testing and learned that I am allergic to gold. Yes, actually gold. They thought it was the nickel mixed in with the white gold, but no... it's really the gold. Anyway, my sweet husband ended up paying more money to get my ring reset in platinum and needless to say the bumps and redness have been gone ever since. We have also joked ever since that it's a  good thing we don't believe in signs because what does it say if you are allergic to your engagement ring. 

Well friends, this week I want to believe in signs!

January 18, 2012: We attended our IVF Class. We had made the huge decision to pursue treatment and IVF was our first attempt at any type of assisted fertility. It honestly felt like a new beginning because we were so hopeful that this would be the path that led to our first child.

Well fast-forward (or look back and read past posts) and obviously the IVF didn't work. We struggled, we prayed, and then we got excited about adoption being the path that God has planned for our family. I feel incredible peace about this decision and I cannot wait to meet the child and birth family that will become such a significant part of our lives.

January 18, 2013: We got a call from our agency about a potential match. I know almost nothing about the situation except that the expectant mother is due in 3-4 weeks!! (Holy Cow!! I can't even believe it when I write it down) Our agency wanted us to know about this possible situation because we were making plans to turn in applications at other agencies and they didn't want us to unnecessarily waste time or money (which I appreciate). However, we were warned that there was so much more to be done before this was an "official" match. They are still working to located the birth father and until that occurs we will not be in a position to meet with the expectant mother. They also warned us that even if things continue to move along smoothly, they are doubtful that all the legal issues will be handled by the time of birth therefore the child will likely need to go to interim care. Then...they said they would be in touch when they knew more.

So today my friends, I want so badly to believe that this is all a "sign" of great things to come. That our preparation for growing our family that started on January 18, 2012 was really just a stepping stone to God's plan of preparation that started EXACTLY one year later on January 18, 2013. Either way, I am working to keep my focus on Him and trust that even if this situation doesn't work out, our great God still has incredible plans for us and our family.

So, please keep us in your prayers. Most importantly keep this birth family and this child in your prayers.

...untill we know more,

jenn

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Back in time for Christmas

It's been an eternity (aka. 7 months) since I have written to the blogger world. Not because there hasn't been anything happening, but honestly just because I haven't felt like it. And truthfully, because life is busy and when I do have time for the computer I haven't wanted to spend that time rehashing my feelings, my life, etc. However, I am still taking time to read everyone else's blogs, so thanks for not being a slacker like me!

So why write today??

No particular reason. Bored. Procrastinating work. Looking for something to fill my days yet not feeling motivated to get up and do anything.

Anyway, I guess it also just felt like time for an official update....we are adopting!!

We spent the summer getting background checks, having interviews, writing biographies, attending weddings/traveling, and reading books to settle into the idea of adoption. Then in November we attended classes at a local adoption agency, put together a profile, and became an official waiting family.

As you can imagine we are thrilled. I feel 100% at peace with our decision to pursue adoption and when I look at my future family I can't imagine it coming together any other way. I am excited about a relationship with birth parents, although I am realistic that it will be difficult in different ways at different times, I am still anxious and excited to know them and know their story. My only doubts at this point involve how long the process will take. I feel like waiting with an agency locally could take easily a year, just because they do less placements/year than the national agencies. We are planning to apply with out of state agencies too, but that feels like a lot more work, a lot more money, and a lot more difficulty with regard to travel, time off, legal issues, etc. Originally, I saw us almost exclusively wanting to adopt from out of state but as I have become increasingly comfortable with open adoption and because I already like the people at our current agency, I guess I just don't feel like starting over. So, I am trying to hold out hope that the local option will come through quickly. Either way, I know that God has great plans for us and the perfect baby will come in His perfect timing.

So, that's where we are. It's a good place to be and the peacefulness I feel about our plan is truly a gift from God. Now if God would just get me a baby or a puppy for Christmas, I think this holiday season could just be the best one yet!

jenn

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WTF...

Today was our follow-up appointment at the RE to discuss our failed IVF cycle. More lovingly referred to as a WHAT THE FUCK appointment, as in what the fuck went wrong?

So, when asked the token question our RE simply replied that he doesn't know. Everything about our cycle looked great. My Estrodial level rose perfectly, my lining was think, transfer was easy, etc. His only exception was related to our fertilization rate, which was only 7 of the 15 eggs. He said he would have wanted 9, however the difference of 2 embryos was not that significant. The only negative thing he could really say about our cycle is that we didn't get pregnant.

So, we discussed the possibility of a frozen embryo transfer (FET) in the future. We have one embryo that was frozen and it is a D/A quality. Our clinic defines embryos by 2 grades. The first D means the most expanded and the A means the highest quality. Just for reference, the two embryos we transferred on our fresh cycle were B/B. That means 2nd worst grade for being expanded but 2nd best quality. 

So, our 1 frozen embie is the best one of the whole cycle, which is great because sometimes embryos drop a grade in quality when they thaw, which means we could end up with a D/B.
Anyway, the disappointing news about a possible FET cycle is that embryo's only have a 60-70% chance of surviving the thaw. Meaning we could do 6 weeks of medications and building up hope, only to have the cycle cancelled on transfer day because our grade A embie doesn't survive the thaw.

This is the point in our meeting that reaffirmed to be how crappy this whole IVF cycle can be. Not only did our cycle fail, but now I have one super perfect embie, but if we try and transfer it in the future, we will only have a 60% chance of making it to the actual transfer, then if we make it that far, we will only have a 60% chance that our super perfect embie will implant.

I want to be positive but it sounds like a recipe for disappointment, stress, and heart ache.

So, the recommendation from the RE (which honestly I agree with and appreciate) is that if we move forward then it should be another fresh IVF cycle. He wants to switch from an antagonist cycle and instead do a lupron cycle. The only reason for the switch is because the antagonist cycle didn't work last time. An added bonus of the lupron would maybe be improved egg quality, thereby improving the chances of fertilization. He said the sperm quality could also be contributing to the fertilization rate, but beyond taking calcium and zinc, there is little we can do to improve the sperm any further. Anyway, we would hopefully get pregnant with IVF #2 and then have some embryos left to freeze as well. Then in the future if we ever wanted to do a FET, we could thaw embies from cycle #1 and cycle #2 hopefully giving us at least 2 embies to transfer after the thaw.

That's the basic facts about where we are. It makes sense to me and seems like a rational progression of treatment. It also makes me sad. It disappoints me that we would be starting over yet the results could be the same. I know IVF is always a risk but I just can't help but wonder today if the risk is too high right now.

We aren't going to rush a decision. We are going to pray about it and think about it over the next few weeks. We also have an appointment with a local adoption agency on Monday to discuss a possible home study. I am excited about moving forward and I am thankful that in spite of our BFN disappointment, our marriage is stronger than ever. God is good and I remain faithful that he has a plan for us that will exceed all of our expectations.

jenn

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the beginning of the end...

I must begin by saying I have several half written blogs from the past few weeks of our cycle. Somehow I could never seem to finish them, although I wish I had kept the blog a little more up to date through our stimming, retrieval, and transfer. Maybe someday I will finish them and post them...maybe not.

Tomorrow is our Beta. This is the day that I kept waiting for and now I wish it would just be over. Last night around 6:30 I started lightly spotting. I fell apart rather quickly. The tears just wouldn't stop and the pain was all encompassing. Last time I cried like this was when I found out my sister was pregnant on Thanksgiving, while Kevan was out of town and not here to hold me. Last night he was here but couldn't say anything to ease the pain. I went to bed at 7:30. Since daylight savings occurred last week it was still light outside, but I just wanted to be in the bed. I struggled to sleep and woke often through the night, then this morning I stupidly took my temperature. I gained false hope as it remained high. ~I say false hope because since this morning google has taught me that BBT's stay high due to a combination of progesterone and other hormones. Sadly, that 1cc shot in my ass each night is probably keeping my temp up no matter what.

Anyway, I have been spotting all day. TMI...it's brownish in color, not red, and it is definitely spotting not full flow, but it is also accompanied by cramps and overall period-blah feeling. I tried to work but I know I was sucking at my job, so I took half a day off and went to lunch with my IF friends. They were helpful and even spoke up on behalf of all infertiles to a cashier who was making stupid comments about a new mother in line behind us. I was paralyzed and thought I might cry at Panera, but my girls were there for me. It was truly nice to be in a place where I didn't have to pretend to be happy or fully-present in the conversation, I could just be there exactly how I was honestly feeling today. Now, I have been sleeping on the couch for 1.5 hours even though there is no way that I am tired, I just don't want to face the world any more.

I know that sounds dramatic, but I didn't expect it to end this way. I expected to call tomorrow and deal with the results via phone, husband by my side, and honestly, I felt like it was going to work. I mostly had let my guard down and allowed myself to be excited that this was really happening. After all, why shouldn't it work. We have male factor problems that they feel confident they can fix with ICIS, so why shouldn't I be able to grow a child with the assistance of a little technology? But in spite of all of that, it didn't end any differently. After all this time and all this effort, I did not feel prepared for the option that it would end the same as every other month...me alone in the bathroom, looking down in defeat, at a darkened tissue that was announcing once again that we had achieved nothing.

I feel frustrated that my clinic in no way prepared me for this outcome. They drilled into our heads that we should definitely wait for a Beta instead of "peeing on a stick"  but no attention was given to the fact that good old Aunt Flo might come knocking before you are even scheduled for your Beta. Plus, now what am I supposed to do tomorrow? I know that if I am still spotting we will go for our Beta as planned and still be anxious before calling our voice mail because you always hear about those miracle people who still get BFP's after days of spotting. But honestly, as this day drags on and the intensity of my craps increased and color of my spotting darkens, I know where this is headed. So, when Aunt Flo comes on full force by the AM, do I go and get tested like a good patient even though all hope will already be gone...because if she comes full force in the morning, there is no embie that could survive the gushing of a full cycle day 1 shedding.

I just feel broken. Frustrated that it ended with me in the bathroom, like it does every other month, even though this month we paid thousands of dollars, said millions of prayers, and let so many people into our circle of trust (all of whom I will now have to tell that we failed, and then I get to endure their looks of pity). I feel exhausted that we are now starting all over. I know that this was a step in our journey but I hate the idea of enduring more decision making about adoption vs. trying to unfreeze our one lonely embie and hope that somehow that one can implant when these two couldn't?

All that being said, I can't help but still feel confident that God has great plans for us. I trust that if this cycle doesn't work, then it was because He knows that we will be parents another way, at another time. I just wish we didn't have to continue to endure so much hurt and heartache before we could figure out the plans He has for us. Come on burning bush...haven't I earned I clear sign that points to motherhood??

jenn

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Suppress Yourself

This morning I went for my suppression check, even though honestly I am not sure what that means. I keep telling people that the Docs want to make sure my system is "suppressed enough" from the birth control pills so they can have total control of how much to ramp things up with drugs...I think that's right but who knows.

It was the fastest appointment I have ever had at the clinic which was amazing. They had told me it could take up to 3 hours, however we knew it would probably be shorter since I already did my trial transfer at my hydrosonogram appointment. When I got there I waited like 30 seconds, got taken for blood draw which lasted like 5 minutes, and then waited on the ultrasound tech for like 10 minutes. It was good to run through the protocol of blood draw, ultrasound, and meet with the nurse, since that will be my schedule multiple times next week. Everyone was nice, however the ultrasound tech gave me a firm lecture about how she wouldn't tell me anything about my follicles, so I shouldn't even ask. I get where she is coming from and I know it's better to lay the ground rules upfront, but gosh lady, I hadn't even thought about asking you and now I feel bad that maybe I might want to ask you in the future!

After only about 40 minutes at the clinic I met with my IVF nurse. She was great!! We actually didn't get to meet her at our IVF class appointment so talking to her today put me at ease. She asked basic questions, reviewed my protocol, and then encouraged me to ask any questions I might have. For some reason, I just didn't really have any. I reviewed how to take the shots and how cold they really needed to stay since they are supposed to be refrigerated, but those were the only things I could come up with. She was laid back the whole time and told me my questions were too easy, so I should feel free to call if I thought of any more.

Then I was sent to the financial lady for my lump sum, all inclusive payment. The best thing I can say about this part is that at least there were no surprises. The cost what we knew it would be from the beginning, so I can't really blame them for collecting their money up front. Finally, I checked out at the front desk, picked up my voice mailbox code, and was free to go after only an hour!!

Overall, I feel good about the whole thing, at least as good as I can. I am trying not to stress or over analyze every detail because it seems like everything is really just a "wait and see" approach. I mean every question I have re: timelines and appointments is dependent on how well I stimulate, which we won't know until I start injections and then attend a follow appointment next week. If I am honest, my main worry right now is just about unexpected events...things I have no control over. Like, what if i don't stimulate as well as they think I will, what if we really do have some female factor infertility issue that they haven't found yet, what if we should have done PGD, what if the shots make me sick and unable to work, etc, etc. But just like all other things in this world, I have no other option but to put my faith in God and trust that if things are difficult, then He must have a purpose for my brief suffering. And that regardless of the outcome...this is all part of His plan, which is always going to be better than anything I could have dreamed!

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Special Delivery!!

After stalking Fed Ex online, I was promptly alerted when my meds arrived today. Funny how excited I got just knowing that they were waiting for me on the front porch!! Also, amazing how quickly my anxiety grew once I realized it was 65 degrees in TN today and these meds needed to stay cold!

Luckily, I then got a call from my sweet husband, saying that he came home early and he wondered what items needed to go into the fridge and what needed to be left out...I must add that he had already put everything, including the needles into the fridge. I gave him some input and encouraged him to read the directions, which shockingly spelled out exactly what to do!

Anyway, I finally got home to find a wonderful package waiting for me...

It's amazing how much it overwhelms me, while at the same time it seems like I should have gotten more for $3000+!!

So, now I must anxiously await my suppression check on Thursday and hopefully I will get to dive into this pile of fun on Saturday!!

jenn

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A new kind of Therapy

I attended acupuncture for the second time this week and I although I had a little more trouble zoning out or sleeping, I still left in good spirits. I feel good about taking this time for myself. I acutally am wondering if that might be the real secret to this acupuncture thing. Is it possible that people are benefiting, at least in part, by just stopping and taking an hour or two out of their busy lives for relaxation. I mean, this world is so focused on running from one thing to the next and worrying about the future, is acupuncture just a coping skill that gives us the time and the environment to be calm, to reflect, and to make an effort for our health and well-being?

I really have no idea how acupuncture works except that somehow it improves the flow of your Qi, which is the energy that flows though your body similar to your nervous system or blood vessels. I understand that this interlinking system is the reason that a needle in my shin or foot might cause increased blood flow to my ovaries, ie. the needle does not have to be at the site of the problem because your body is an integrated system. Regardless of how it works or whether it is merely a coping mechanism that helps reduce stress and thereby promote one's well-being...I like it and I think I will continue to go, maybe even after this IVF cycle works!!

jenn

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Apothecary

I got the call this week confirming our medication order for our IVF cycle. Amazing how a call from a pharmacy tech in another state can make this whole thing finally feel real. Maybe it's because this is the largest lump sum of money we have had to pay so far, although I cannot complain because I know the antagonist cycle makes our med costs so much less than they could be if the RE had recommended another plan. Or maybe, it feels real because during our conversation she reminded me that I can always order less supplies now but if I order too much then I can't return anything. That comment just sealed the deal that this is the point of no return, these meds are ours and this cycle is happening, unless of course I want to waste a couple thousand dollars on medications.

Anyway, I am anxious but excited. I am not freaked out the needles or the prospect of these injections, so I feel good about finally getting all these supplies in my possession. I am also looking forward to sorting needles and arrange vials according to our plan for injections (organizing tends to make me feel more in control of life, it's a coping mechanism I developed somewhere along the way, but it's one I like). Mostly, I am just excited to be moving forward in a way that feels tangible, instead of just taking birth control pills each night while continuing to think of our IVF cycle as a future event. Having a fridge full of injectables is bound to make this whole plan feel like it's my real life and once I'm actually doing the injecting, I am sure it won't feel like a hypothetical situation any longer.

So, as I said before we are doing an antagonist cycle, meaning I get to skip the lupron and begin my injections with the FSH. Here is our pharmacy order that should be arriving any day now...

Follistim: 300mg pen x1 and 600mg pen x4 (except I am only filling 3 for now)

Ganirelex: 5 prefilled syringes

Ovidrel: HCG trigger shots x2

Progesterone: 45ml vial x3

Medrol: 4 day dosepak, 16mg tabs

Doxycycline: 4 day supply

My suppression check is scheduled for next Thursday and then injections will hopefully start the following Saturday. Who could have imagined I would be this excited and ready to start a process that I always prayed I would never have to do...amazing how time and life circumstances changes your perspective!

jenn

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Chinese torture?

Thanks to some recommendations from my friends at Resolve, I have expanded my fertility treatments. At first, when I thought of adding more appointments and more professionals to my ever growing team of treatment experts, the idea was overwhelming. However, if you ever talk with someone who goes to acupuncture about their experience, they seem to glow as they share how wonderful an experience it has been in their life. So, after hearing about the wonders of Chinese medicine for long enough, I booked my first appointment at East Nashville Community Acupuncture.

Upon arrival, it was the calm hipster type environment I expected. I drank tea and read an article about composting from some 'one with the earth' type magazine. Then I met with my acupuncturist, who was calm and reassuring from the first moment I saw her. She asked questions about my health and I provided details about a past history of migraines, acid reflux, and ADD. I explained how I had been weaning off all medications in preparation for this cycle and my hope what that since meds would not be taken for 9 months of pregnancy, that I would therefore not return to taking any medication again once the baby was born.

Honestly, getting off medication was something I had been wanting to do for sometime, however I always seemed to lack the motivation to make the appropriate lifestyle changes required to live a life un-medicated. However, I have never felt good about the fact that I am 30y/o and taking multiple medications per day, because honestly what hope does it give me for my body's ability to fend for itself when I am 60 or 80. 

Anyway, I explained my desire for acupuncture to help me manage these symptoms as well as promote my physical and emotional health while we pursue an IVF cycle. My acupuncturist voiced understanding about all my concerns and she offered support and reassurance re: the role acupuncture has played in many IVF cycles before mine. She then gave me a basic run down of what would happen and made sure I had no further questions. She then led me into a treatment room, filled with multiple recliners, soft music, and dim lights. I chose my chair, rolled up my pant legs, and settled in for a treatment that I felt sure would be an interesting life experience, if nothing else! 

I have tried to described the sensation of acupuncture multiple times since attending my first session and consistently I feel like my explanations and correlations do not provide a clear picture of what it was like. Still, in my experience I must say that the needle did not hurt when it went into my body, even though I could feel a slight prick initially. I concentrated on each needle site, hoping to pinpoint the feeling I was having, it was like something was disapating under my skin from the needle point outwards. Then when she stuck a needle in the top of my scalp and I felt the same sensation, it finally hit me how to explain it...Do you remember playing that game as a child when you say "crack an egg on your head, and the blood running down, and then chills running up". For those who don't remember, while you chant this rhyme, you knock someone on the head, then press down as you symmetrically run your fingers down the outside of a persons head, then you run your nails up their back, causing chills and just an overall weird feeling. Well, that's what acupuncture felt like to me the first time, like something was dissipating from each needle point (just like the fingers that applied pressure to my head as a child) and chills (in a good way) would follow throughout my body.  (weird way to explain it, but really it was wonderful!!)

After inserting all needles, my acupuncturist then covered me with blankets, which at first worried me that they would knock the needles out or drive them deeper into my skin further,  however she reassured me that they were flexible and not going anywhere. So, I was bundled up and tucked in like a child, then a wonderful bean bag was placed over my eyes. Soft, new age music surrounded me and I listened at a muted level by using my earbuds as modified ear plugs. It was wonderfully relaxing, so much so that I laid there for an hour and a half. I simply laid there and  prayed about God's plan for my family, then I dozed off to sleep, then I prayed for peace that could overcome any obstacles in my path, and finally I just reflecting on my place in life. I must say it was incredibly relaxing and it was probably the first time I had taken an hour and a half for prayer and relaxation without feeling rushed to move on to the next part of my day. It was just what I needed.

So, after feeling fully relaxed and recharged, my needles were removed and I was free to go. I left the community center feeling dramatically better than when I arrived. Although, it is hard to pinpoint exactly what felt better, considering I did not enter with a specific compliant and since feeling more fertile is not exactly tangible. Yet, I know that if nothing else I felt calmer. I felt relaxed like the way I feel after a massage, the kind of tranquility that you cannot achieve at home on your own. Overall, it  brought me a great sense of peace during this chaotic time and I think I am now offically sold on acupuncture.

jenn

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Pure Joy

For the first time in about a decade, I am thrilled to tell you that I am truly and 100% happy for someone else and their new child. I feel guilty saying that, especially since I've had several nieces that have been born in these recent years; but if I am honest I have always had a bit of jealousy or pain when someone else got to meet their child and I remained a waiting mother. 

But a few weeks ago, some of our newest and dearest friends have met their son. You can read the details from their perspective on their fabulous blog, but today I must give you my version of our relationship with this awesome couple. 

First, this couple is awesome because they were the primary reason my sweet hubby and I ever went to the Resolve support group for a second time (I must stop there to add that I love all my resolve peeps and there have been a million reasons since that first Tuesday that keep me returning each month. But for the sake of honesty and historical accuracy, this couple was the difference between "1 and done" vs. "lets give that support group another shot"). You see, their first meeting was my first meeting and even though I had left my better half at home, they attended the group as a couple.  They spoke openly and honestly about their male factor sterility and all I could think was that I never should have left Kevan at home. He needed to hear another guy talk about male factor infertility, he needed to see what I was seeing, which is that there were other couples that looked normal and that were facing problems like we were facing on a daily basis...and they were surviving it too!  So, I promptly raced home and told Kevan all about their story and encouraged him that in the future he should come to Resolve meetings with me, because he would love to know people like this! 

Fast forward ten long months since the first support group that we attended together and I have grown incredibly close to these people. They have stood by us while we were searching for a diagnosis, they have offered genuine support while we tried to make decisions about ivf vs. adoption, and they have provided laughs when all we wanted to do was cry. During this same time frame they have struggled with creating an adoption profile, revisited the issue of sterility, and they have gotten a home study approved. So, finally after years of trying they have been given the greatest gift any infertile can imagine...a healthy and beautiful son!! 

I am honestly thrilled about this child. I keep looking at pictures they post of him on twitter and I am counting down the days till I get to meet him. Last night at our resolve meeting, a mutual friend was quizzing me about their adoption news and I was proudly showing off pics like the loving aunt that I am. Mostly, I just love having this sort of excitement for someone else. I love not having to push down feelings of jealousy because honestly this time all I feel is hopeful. Their placement reiterates to me that even though this process is long and hard, we will all eventually graduate from this world of infertility and join the ranks of parents. 

Congratulations T & R, I cannot wait for our children to play together...

jenn

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Back to School

On January 18, we attended the long anticipated IVF class!

Upon first hearing that we would have  a class, I didn't give it much thought because the idea was so abstract. It was part of the distant future in a world where maybe, possibly, we would complete an IVF cycle. Honestly, I was so overwhelmed by the long list of tasks we had to complete prior to even becoming eligible for class, that I couldn't even think forward to the class itself. However, in a similar fashion to how I feel about most things in this journey, each month drags on forever yet things creep up on you before you are ready for them.

So, we completed our pre-reqs and headed to class. I would like to proudly say that we were calmly late for our 8am appointment. I am not proud that we were late, but I am proud that I didn't stress out or become anxious in morning traffic. Instead we kept it light and slowly made our way to the office for the last of the pre-reqs including bloodwork and other fun stuff.

Then, we sat in the waiting room prior to class intently focusing on the people around us (sad but true, whether in a support group or MD office, it is hard not to people watch the other infertiles around you to confirm that in-fact they look normal therefore you too must be normal). While watching, I saw a scenario play out that I have reviewed in my mind a million times. A couple, waiting for class, ran into a friend in the waiting room, and quickly it was obvious that neither had any idea of the others struggle with fertility issues. There were awkward exchanges and finally the friend of my classmates breaks the tension with a fabulous question..."so, have you started the shots yet, cause they make you crazy?"!! It was hilarious to me and honestly they all seemed to have a good laugh too.

Then we were all called back to the swanky conference room to start class. I say it was swanky because they had lots of snacks, leather chairs, and fun goodie bags on the table. It doesn't take much to impress me, plus I have noticed that in these places that are primarily private pay - they tend to splurge a little more on the patients than our local health department. Anyway, our classmates were 2 other couples who seemed similar in age/stage of life to us, a woman with a recording device because her husband couldn't get off work, and a single lady. Yep, I said it... a strong, independent, kind of strange but obviously very determined, single woman. She had previously attempted IUI with donor sperm and for whatever reason had now moved on to IVF. I admit I was and still am kind of torn with my feelings about this woman. I admire her independence and desire, while at the same time it is hard for me to imagine undergoing this emotional roller coaster without such an incredible companion by my side.

So, the details of class were pretty basic. We reviewed different shots and practiced with saline filled syringes. We discussed a generic protocol that involved taking lupron, follistim, and ovidrel; however I learned later in our meeting with the nurse that this would not be our personal protocol, which for some reason annoys me cause I feel like I was focusing hard to learn something I didn't need to know. I am sure it didn't hurt me to learn more info than needed and I am sure that the principals are the same, however I do wish I had known our protocol prior to class instead of after.

Anyway, after a lovely class where we discussed basically shots and then the overall cost of this monster project, we then met with our new IVF nurse. She will be our point person and the main contact through the process which is great, because I feel like 1 point person will decrease confusion. We were told at this meeting that our drugs of choice will be good old birth control, ganirelix, follistim, and ovidrel. What I can gather is that ganirelix is started later in your cycle and used to prevent ovulation, while lupron drops your hormone levels down early and suppresses them for the whole cycle instead of just changing hormones right before ovulation. The nurse said that ganirelix was chosen for me because they have no reason to think I will not stimulate well (based on age and no known medical issues) and it will produce fewer, better quality eggs, thereby hopefully preventing hyper-stimulation. The other positive is that ganirelix requires fewer shots and based on what my other IF friends have told me, I want no part of the craziness that Lupron creates ie. hating everyone, crying often, and other awesome hormonal imbalances!! I also think the part 'better quality eggs' sounds good but I must admit that I am  apprehensive when they operate under the pretense that I will have no problems with this cycle. I know that to this point we have been a "male-factor infertility" couple, but I am simply afraid that they will assume I am good to go and then I will not only disappoint them, but also disappoint myself when I don't stimulate the way they expected and we have to cancel the cycle. I know that these fears are baseless and that we can adjust meds as we go, so I am trying to trust that my doctors have the right plan in place for us and that God is guiding the path that lies ahead. I am also trying to stay away from google because you can imagine that searching my protocol and finding details about other people's failed or successful cycles has already proved to be a bad idea.

Overall, since leaving class I am feeling good. My sweet husband and I are on the same page and both ready to start the process and keep moving forward. At lunch after class we discussed the pros and cons of starting soon or waiting a few months based on our social calendar, but eventually we agreed that waiting just doesn't make sense after we have already waited so long. So, although my darling hubby is still struggling with idea that 'no drinking' prior to the cycle means "no drinking" at the Superbowl parties, he is ready to move forward and so am I.

So, now we wait for cycle day 1, when birth control, extra vitamins, and antibiotics become the new normal at our house. I can honestly say that for the first time in 50 cycles of TTC, I am grinning from ear to ear when I think about cycle day 1. Finally, it no longer indicates that we failed at conceiving this month, it now means we are moving forward and we are one step closer to meeting the little person that waits in our future.

jenn

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Absence = Fondness

So, our journey has continued over the past several months, even though I have been absent from the blogging world. Hopefully, you won't take my absence personally since even if I wasn't writing, I was still reading about the journeys of all my wonderful IF friends.  Honestly, falling off the radar is just a poor coping skill that I seem to implement when I am feeling overwhelmed and I am in need of time to sort through all my crazy thoughts. Typically, I come back rested and rejuvenated but if I am honest I know it's pretty selfish that I often disappear from real life, friends, and now my virtual world. Yet, somehow I think the blog-o-sphere might be more forgiving than my real life friends.

Anyway, a lot has happened and honestly it has all been positive progress towards our future family. After the adoption conference, we decided to continue with IVF pre-req testing so that regardless of what we ultimately decided, we would be moving forward. We met with the RE, did blood work, gave samples, and tried to cram as much medical "diagnosis testing" into the last quarter of the year as possible. All in an attempt to move forward and hopefully get insurance to cover a few things before a new deductible year. 

During this time, we also continued to talk with our family about our struggles to conceive. We spoke more openly with our parents and we confided in our siblings that we were planning to move forward sooner than later. It felt good to share openly and everyone was incredibly supportive. It was also nice to move into the holidays with everyone aware of our situation, thereby preventing the awkward family moments when someone would previously make a comment about our future children someday being there to open gifts.

Now, moving into 2012 things have continued to move in the direction of IVF (reasons for our IVF decision will have to be addressed in another post, because it's just too complicated to start tongiht). I feel good about our decision and I am truly hopeful for our future. I feel like we are coping well, we are surrounded by incredible support systems, and God is opening every door that will lead us to an incredible future that he has planned for us.

Last but not least, I am making a commitment to blog more. I know I said initially I did not want this blog to be a commitment (which obviously it hasn't since I haven't blogged since November) but I think I have changed my mind. I want to document our journey. I want a space where I can look back and see how crazy it was and how far we have come. I also need to write it all down so in the future when I am worn out from caring for my IVF triplets, I will remain forever grateful for what it took to get there. 

So stay tuned...details from IVF class are just around the corner...

jenn

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Unconditional Giving

I have tried to start this blog post for a month. I've actually written a few paragraphs and then given up because it did not convey the emotion I wanted or because I got off track, as I often do when writing. It's amazing to me how sometimes I feel like I could just sit and let words pour out and other times I just can not say what it is I am trying to say.

This week in our small group we did a session from "Five things God uses to Grow your Faith" by Andy Stanley. The lesson was about using "Private Disciplines" described as prayer, giving, or other 'acts of righteousness'  to honor God and build our relationship with him. The focus was how private disciplines benefit the people performing them, not those they give to, and that these disciplines will only bring us closer to God. The scripture references for this lesson referred to Matthew 6: 1-4, where Jesus teaches about giving to the needy.

Jesus says "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So, when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have already received their reward in full."

The study went on to explain that if you are rewarded by men for your good deeds, then you do not need God's reward. So, do not give to the needy when everyone can see and then praise your acts, instead do it in secret to get glory from God. (Now, I must add that I do not believe that this text has universal application. I believe that there will be times when we give to the needy even though we are visible to others, yet we are still giving with a pure heart and purpose. I also believe that there will be times when we receive praise for our acts of generosity from those around us, yet even still, God will provide us with his reward.)  


This week, God has shown us true giving in a way that I have never witnessed with my own eyes. I feel guilty when I say that out loud, because I do believe that Jesus died for our sins and I live each day knowing that his death was truly the ultimate gift. Yet, what I know and believe vs. what I witness with my own eyes are different. And what I see tends to impact by soul in a different way than those things I am taught. I know that God understands these muddled thoughts, which is why since the time of the disciples he has been creating acts on earth to help all of us who struggle to truly grasp without seeing. I should work on my guilt about this because I am pretty sure God never seemed to judge Thomas for wanting to touch the holes left in Jesus' hands. Regardless, I return to the point that God showed me his providence this week and then just in case I was doubting at all, he had me to attend a bible study to spell out his purpose!

Several weeks ago, we received a donation to help us grow our family. The gift came with a letter but no conversation was ever had with the giver about our infertility. That being said, the gift came with no conditions and no expectations. The only stated desire was to lessen the role of money in our decision making and to help us have the children "we deserve". I was speechless upon receiving this gift and I still struggle to find the words to give it justice.

I know that God is showing me that He will provide for us and that no obstacle is too big for His mighty works. I feel a renewed trust that the Lord has plans for us and I find myself feeling increasingly grateful that we have experienced this struggle with infertility. I know that sounds crazy but if I am honest I know that I needed something big to happen in order for me to truly surrender to God and realize he is in complete control. I pray that this road leads us to a life where we are parents but even if it doesn't, I know that this road has led us into a deeper relationship with our Lord, which will provide rewards and peace that will surpass anything I can imagine.

God is so good and I know He is preparing an incredible reward for that amazing soul who stepped out and blessed our family during this time of struggle.

jenn

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Stumbling on Happiness

My job requires a significant amount of driving. This is not a drawback to my job (except for the cost of gas) and actually it is something I look forward to unless it's raining. Anyway, to pass the time in the car I invest $11/month in satellite radio and I also check out books on tape from my local library. You may remember a particularly moving book I read (listened to) called Anatomy of Hope.

Well, over the past several weeks I have been listening to Stumbling Upon Happiness by Harvard psychologist Daniel Gilbert. This book caught my eye, considering I am looking for happiness and even more willing to simply stumble upon it. But alas, the book is quick to explain that it's purpose is not to teach you how to be happy but rather to help you gain insight into how we anticipate the things that will make us happy in the future. Gilbert explains how most people misconceive what we will want tomorrow and we frequently misestimate our satisfaction when planning for future events. He is overall entertaining to listen to and although it is somewhat clinical, it was thought provoking to hear a psychologist try to explain why we seem to know so little about the hearts and minds of the people we are about to become. 


So, two things stuck out to me in the book, so much so that I had to pull over, get a pen/paper, and subsequently pause and un-pause my cd player while trying to write down his words. (I know this seems dramatic and if you are thinking I should just check out the written copy of the book from the same library, then believe me I have thought about that too. However, I have no idea what page I would turn to in order to located CD #7, track 4, minute 3.52)


Anyway, his first point that resinated was a person's poor ability to anticipate the totality of events when we are making a decision about the future. Specifically, 


"We tend to think of future things in terms of why instead of how, in terms of cause and consequence, instead of execution. And we fail to consider that 'detail free' version of an event we're imagining would not the be 'detail laden' event we would ultimately experience. "


His example was about a family member calling you to babysit 2 weeks from now and you say yes because you are thinking about how nice it is to have a relationship with your niece. Then the day of babysitting you are frustrated because your niece is acting bratty, you are behind at work, and you have a million other things that you should be doing besides playing checkers. He elaborates that we look so much at the "Big Picture" or the "why we should be doing something" when we make a decision, but really our happiness is based on the moment to moment details when these events are occurring.  


So, I started to think of my fertility decisions in this way. I want to be pregnant, want to carry a child, want to breast feed, etc. This is one of the factors on our pro/cons list re: IVF, because with adoption I will never carry that child. However, have I really thought through the execution of this event or the detail laden reality that I will encounter?? 


Because if I am honest with myself, I am not sure that I will be good at pregnancy. I always get car sick, so what's the likelihood I won't have morning sickness; I wear a full C cup already, therefore my breast will be enormous and hard to contain while pregnant; I like a good glass of wine and I know I will miss it terribly; and finally, my job involves getting in/out of my car all day long, regardless of weather or the size of my belly, and then I trek into peoples homes which often contain horrible smells, filth, and other oddities of nature that do not sound like the place for a prego girl, much less the place where I want to have to use the bathroom because a baby is pressing on my bladder. 


Now I know, after pregnancy women say that the good outweighs the bad and the experience will be priceless. I do not doubt them and I am sure it would be worth it if I just got pregnant like most women I know. However, since I am stuck with weighing the pros/cons of even trying to get pregnant, then maybe I should be looking more closely at the details of pregnant life instead of just glorifying an experience that I may not even like. 


Okay, so the second point of the book that resinated with me was this...  Study after study has proven that when people are asked to judge themselves vs. others, we all tend to rate ourselves as very individualistic. Because of this, we believe that even though others may have opinions re: how they felt in a specific situation/scenario, those reports could in no way predict how we would feel in the same situation, because we are going into it with different backgrounds, different values, different life experiences, etc. We believe that each of these personal facts are so important that they will shape how that scenario/situation will affect us, therefore we cannot base our decisions on the outcomes of others.


On the surface, this theory sounds correct to me. Just because you liked the peanut butter cookies better than the chocolate chip cookies doesn't mean I will, especially because I am partial to Chocolate chip and only a few peanut butter cookies are even memorable to me when I look back at my years of cookie consumption. Similarly, if you debated about IVF vs. adoption and you have never regretted your choice for IVF (even though it failed 2 times before success), that doesn't mean that I will feel that way. I think I may have serious regrets about IVF if we drop $45k before ever getting our first child, especially because we are also trying to think about how to afford kids #2 or 3 someday.


However, study after study reports that people are more alike that we think. For example, take this study where two groups are asked to make predictions about their future happiness in a situation.  Group #1 is given facts about both options, then asked to chose and rate how happy they'll be with their choice in the future. Group #2 is only given personal accounts from people who have made this same decision before them, then they are asked to chose and rate their anticipated happiness based only on the knowledge of those who have gone before them. 


Can you guess who was best able to predict their future happiness with their decision?? 


Of course, it was the people who based their decision on the outcomes of those who went before them. Because, as study after study documents, we are not really that different in terms of what makes us happy. We also are not that affected by all of our baggage and personal histories, as we thought we'd be when making those decisions. 


So, I came away from my second book point with 1 great conclusion....
That blogging and reading everyone's blogs is logical, helpful, and wonderful. According to millions of dollars in research, I am likely to gain the best insight in my decision making from reading about the choices that have made each of you happy. Which I think is a much better option than trying to figure out all this stuff on my own. So continue to write my fellow IF ladies, because I am reading and trusting you to prepare me for our future!!


jenn

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Wait # 46

Today is a struggle.

First and foremost, it is day 32 of my cycle. It is not that odd for me to have long cycles, 30-34 days, but recently they have been more like your typical 28 day ordeals. I feel hormonal, I feel negative, my breast are tender, and I know that I will start my period at any minute. So, if I know I have every sign/symptom of pending blood flow and I know that multiple highly paid MD's just told us that we cannot get pregnant on our own, then why do these days of waiting for Aunt Flo not get any easier to endure??

For over 3 years I have struggled during the last week of every cycle. I have over-analyzed every bodily ache, minor change in skin pigment, and the slightest bits of nausea, trying to cautiously determine for myself if maybe we were pregnant. In the beginning, there were months when I would drink wine every night of that "last" week, just knowing that soon I would not be able to have a drop! I would plug my cycle dates into the prediction calendars on-line and think over the timeline of when we would be due and when we would announce that we were expecting to all our friends and family. Over time, with all of the countless disappointments, I started to guard myself and I quit planning ahead. Instead, I tried to ignore all the symptoms and just stay busy with other activities. Yet the more time that went by, the harder that week of waiting became. Each month seemed to have this pending doom, a whole week that was clouded by waiting for the inevitable that always came.

So, why did I think it would be easier now? I convinced myself that after our "BIG" doctors appointment I would suddenly be able to cruise through the end of each month without allowing any hope to arise, therefore preventing further disappointment to occur. I mean that makes sense, right? If a doctor says we can't get pregnant on our own, then why would I feel anxious about what day I am going to start my period? Because I should know that no matter when the day comes, that period IS definitely coming. All those questions about the future that were filling my head and all that hope that overflowed in my heart, should have left once we left that doctors appointment.

Yet, somehow the increased knowledge about our situation is not affecting my emotional state in the ways I had hoped. This month I still find myself watching that calendar and counting the days. I still look at when we had sex and start logically determining whether it was "good" timing. I am allowing myself to ponder the "what if" question, like this time it is somehow going to be different. I feel silly for even allowing myself to "go" there, but I can't seem to make it stop.  And now with each extra day on this longer than normal cycle, the feelings of desperation and vulnerability are growing. It's like I am on a plane that I know will crash any minute, but instead of hoping that we will keep flying, I instead just wish we'd go ahead and crash so it would finally be over. At least once my period starts then I can return to some sense of normalcy and I could maybe salvage 3 good weeks out of October.

Then this morning, a new thought crept into my head and it makes me cringe. I wonder if this feeling of anxiety that comes before ever period, will it ever stop? I mean, I wonder if I will ever be able to just go through a cycle without wondering if that might be our miracle cycle where one of the few good swimmers actually finds his way to a ready and waiting egg. Because even though I know the chances are slim, I still have tubes, we do have sperm, and there was no 100% guarantee that somehow someday we might not get pregnant on our own (it's just highly unlikely). So, even though I sometimes love the idea that maybe someday unexpectedly we will get pregnant against all odds. I also shudder at the idea that every cycle for next 20 years will carry the same uncertainty, doubt, and torture that has come with the last 46 cycles.

jenn

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Six weeks and peace remains...

It's been six weeks since my world changed. Since I knew concretely that I would never "just get pregnant". That I would never surprise my husband in some cute way with news of a late period and expected child (yes, I admit that in the first few years of TTC I used to think up cute ways to tell Kevan we were pregnant, ie. clues around the house, baby clothes in his dresser, etc). After our appointment with the Urologist, I knew that for us to ever have a child it would take thousand's of dollars, hours of prayer, and science that I would never completely understand.

For the past six weeks I have been grieving the loss of what I thought our family would look like. I have been coming to grips with what our future may entail, although I admit that we have yet to make any decisions about what path we will take to have children. However, I've decided that the strangest thing about the past six weeks, is that I have almost completely forgotten about the actual doctors appointment. I don't replay the conversations in my head, I don't google for other treatment options, and I don't overanalyze why we couldn't have gotten different news from the MD. Since I returned from Knoxille, I have simply been okay with our inability to conceive naturally and I have been consciously struggling to stay immersed in the peace that God provided me in the aftermath of that appointment.

On that note, let me back up...

The morning after our urology visit, I woke up in a cabin with swollen eyes and a heavy heart. The other house guests were sleeping in, so I got up with my sweet husband who had held me six hours earlier as I cried myself to sleep. It was quiet in the cabin and I could feel the tension between us as we fixed cereal.  Did yesterday really happen? Can our marriage handle this? What do you say to make it better?

So, as Kevan settled into the screened in porch with his coffee and a book, I headed out for a morning walk with our dog. What better companion than the one who can't talk and always seems to understand how I am feeling? We started down the gravel road which runs around the perimeter of the lake. I needed to be alone that morning. The ache in my heart was more significant than anything I had ever felt and the tears were unstoppable. It all felt so overwhelming, like there was no room in my head for any other thoughts, yet I seemed powerless to make sense of the information that was swirling around. I wasn't even reviewing the appointment or the words of the urologist, I was simply grieving. I was ruminating on the idea that we would never get pregnant on our own. That every child would have to be planned, thought out, pros and cons would be weighed, bank accounts would be emptied, and we would have to make a heavy decisions just to "try" to get pregnant. It is just not what I wanted and not what I planned for my marriage, my future, and my children.

But as I walked and cried, I did the only thing I know to do in times of despair...I prayed. I cried out for God to wrap his arms around me, to take away the pain, and bring me peace. I told Him that although I would need His guidance in the future as to how we should proceed, all I wanted today was peace. For the Holy Spirit to wash over me and bring a peace to my heart that would surpass all human understanding. I wept on the banks of the lake while I watched the sun gain height over the water. I took deep breaths and every time I thought I could begin the walk back, I would collapsed in more tears and desperation.

I wish I could say that then, finally, in one bold movement, God spoke to me... but that isn't what happen.

Instead I slowly ran out of tears and slowly the jumbled mess in my brain began to form real thoughts. I was able to see the beauty and magnitude of God's world surrounding me. I felt more comfort in knowing that at least we had options to have children and with choices came hope for the future. I also felt reassured that God's plans are always greater than my plans and when I look back at every trial from my past- I am assured that things happened for great reason, that it couldn't have worked out better, and that God was right all along re: knowing just what I needed. Then I thought about trials in life and all the things I could be facing. I began saying prayers of thanksgiving for our health, our family, and most importantly that God had already been generous enough to give me such an incredible husband. I thanked God that if I had to face a "trial" that would test my marriage and my faith, then at least it was infertility and it was something Kevan and I could tackle together. I mean, God never said life would be easy so if this is my path then God would give me strength to handle it, right? As my eyes began to clear and I retook my path along the lake, I continued to talk to God and He continued to provide peace. My grief did not disappear and I still felt tinges of pain, but the peace in my heart reassured me that it was all manageable...I could survive this.

Since that morning, I have held tightly to God and to His promise that all of this is part of His wondrous plan for my life. I have managed to avoid feeling bitter and instead embrace this chapter in our life and stay faithful that it will be a time of growth and strength in our marriage. I do not pretend that some days I do not feel incredibly sad and frustrated that it cannot be easier for us. That I do not occasionally feel overwhelmed with jealousy for the pregnant girl in the grocery store or I do not loath the constant facebook pregnancy announcements. But I also know that grief comes in waves and occasionally those waves will knock you down and shove salt water up your nose. I am grieving the loss of what I thought my family would look like, but that does not mean that I am not faithful that God's plans for my family will be far greater than mine.

jenn

Then you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Jesus Christ." Phillipians 4:7 NLT

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Part II: Answers

Medicine defined is The science of diagnosing, treating, or preventing disease and other damage to the body or mind.


I love medicine. Before, during, and hopefully after our current life situation, I have loved medicine. I love the uncertainty. The problem solving part where you try and figure it out. I love when I have the knowledge to hear signs and symptoms and then know the diagnosis because it fits so perfectly. I love knowing what treatment works best depending on the situation and then applying that knowledge to the way I counsel people.  I love that medicine gives us answers that we need in order to process our feelings and emotions. I love that medicine can give us expectations for the progression of an illness, so that even when we are flying blindly we can at least cling to the statistics and facts. I also love that even when the odds are against us, there is always hope in medicine because it is not exact, those statistics have outliers, and medicine is always evolving.


"Medicine can only cure curable disease, and then not always" Chinese Proverb

Facts to take home from our appointment...

1. The new MD was incredible. He answered all questions, performed all tests that I think the first urologist was missing, and did it all with intelligence, confidence, and compassion. 

2. Hormone concerns from previous lab work seem like a fluke to him and are not an issue to treat. Nor is the varicocele which he could not feel with his "sensitive fingers" and therefore it is not the problem and not worth the surgery. 

3. All ducts and passageways are clear and free flowing. No scar tissue, no swelling, no obstructions, no concerns (I admit that this surprised me to hear, this is what I was betting on). 

#4 is the biggie...the answer I feel like we waited 3 years to hear...

4. Kevan has a calcification in his prostate. Most likely cause was an infection that produced no signs or symptoms. Calcium is a waste product of infection and since the prostate is a giant sponge, the calcium could not be dispelled through the body and therefore hardened at the infection site. The calcification which measures 6x3mm is putting pressure on the seminal vesicle. This pressure is not yet closing off the vesicle entirely, but if more calcification were to occur (ie. another infection) then it might. The pressure on the vesicle effects the volume of semen and the motility of the sperm.

For the visual learners...Imagine all your little swimmers have to pass thru a tunnel, however your tunnel is jagged with sharp edges that bump and injure the swimmers on their way out. It is only expected that after that journey they would have trouble swimming and therefore would be unable to be successful in the remainder of their venture.

The calcification is deep in the prostate, in a difficult to reach location. A TURP procedure (transurethral resection of the prostate) would be difficult due to location and etiology. Since the mass is a calcification, not a tumor or a cyst, it does not have defined edges and would be difficult to cut out.  The MD has done this procedure before and in our case, he thinks the risks might out weigh the benefits. He also is not sure that removing the mass would improve the vesicle and therefore lead to better swimmers.

Deep breath, long pause....He thinks that IVF with ICIS would be our best bet for biological children and he is doubtful that we will ever conceive without these steps.

5. There is nothing we did to cause this problem, nothing we could have done to prevent it, and (my personal favorite) nothing that could have been done differently to correct the calcification had we come to him 3 years ago.

6. There are also no medical indications, concerns, or risks that arise based on having this calcification. The only issue it should ever cause is our continued infertility.


If those aren't answers then I don't know what is...


jenn

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Part I: Feeling the Wait

I have attempted to write this blog for weeks...two weeks to be exact since our 3 hour drive to find a new urologist. It's been hard to put the appointment into words...i am also struggling with how I want to remember the day. I know that may sound silly but I have fluctuated between wanting to record every feeling to sticking simply to the facts. Not sure why the blog-o-sphere has suddenly become the place where I think I am storing my memories of infertility but it feels permanent when I post here. Like someday when I do have a baby this will be my only reference point for how terrible things were because all that pain will fade away when I no longer define myself by infertility. I know that is a stretch but I like to imagine that it will be that easy. Hell, something should be that easy right?

So, Friday the 29th we packed up the car with the dog and cooler to head for a great weekend at my family's lake house on Norris. No work, just a weekend in the sun, on a boat, with a beer...well, right after we stop in Knoxville for that pesky appointment.

The drive was uneventful and I must say that having the dog always keeps the mood feeling lighter. So, we get to Knoxville, drive straight to my aunts house, drop the dog, and leave for UT Medical Center. At this point, we are arriving an hour early (really 1.5 hours early because the MD said to come 30 minutes early anyway). So we sit in the parking garage and start to panic for a little bit. We offer vague reassurances back and forth and then decide to talk it over one more time. I am a big advocate of talking about anything. So, Kev practiced his monologue-synopsis of our timeline and how we got here while I interjected the facts we just couldn't leave out. Then we reviewed the question list and I asked for the fiftieth time if there wasn't something we should add.  Finally, we decided to abandon the parking garage and wait in the office, just for a change in scenery.

Before leaving the car, we held hands and prayed. We prayed that the doctor would provide us with answers that we had been seeking and that God would provide us with peace - no matter what those answers were. Honestly, I had been praying this for weeks. Just prayers for answers and prayers for peace. I know selfishly I wanted to stipulate that God provide easy answers but I all I could muster the courage to ask for were some kind of answers and peace.

After pacing the hallway and returning a few phone calls we entered the waiting room. Kevan filled out a few papers and we sat. I then suggested we play scrabble on our phones since Dr. Phil and old issues of crappy magazines were the only other options. Scrabble was the best distraction I could have imagined. No time for anxiety, no time to fret...instead just refocusing energy of beating each other in calming game.

They finally called Kevan's name and led us down a narrow hallway to a big conference room. There was a large wooden table surrounded with leather chairs on casters. The walls were lined with bookshelves which housed Glenn's guide to Urologic Surgery, pamphlets galore for cialis, vesicare, detrol, and viagra, and last but not least several plastic models of the male urinary/reproductive tract. Our favorite replica was demonstrating how a penis pump implant could work for you!

Our new waiting room felt full of opportunities and I immediately felt comforted that we were going to have a place to sit and talk. I already felt like this time they were going to listen and I was prepared to voice my concerns. I opened my binder in front of me and re-read my question list. Then I re-read the lab work we were providing and tried to control my mind as we waited...

jenn

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Anatomy of Hope

I am not sure what to say or exactly how I feel, but for some reason I just felt like writing it down could help me put it all together. 

 Our appointment with the new urologist is Friday. All week I have felt overcome with emotions. I am hopeful that this new doctor will provide answers and that he will somehow give us a chance at conceiving without IUI or IVF. Then I back up and remind myself that there are rarely easy fixes when it comes to prostate health and I should not get to excited, only to be let down again. I hate how this journey of infertility makes me so guarded when it comes to being hopeful. 

Last week I checked out a book on tape "The Anatomy of Hope; how people prevail in the face of illness". It is written by an oncologist/hematologist and it gives anecdotal accounts of patients who are fighting cancer either with or without hope of recovery/remission. It also gives great insight into Dr. Groopman's strategies for instilling hope in his patients, since he has found hope is crucial for success. 

I love it so far. 

I have been listening in the car during the day and I find myself sitting outside of my appointments for 5 or 10 minutes, trying to get to a stopping point. I love it for the insights it provides me when dealing with my terminally ill patients and I love it for how it relates to our ongoing attempts to prevail through infertility. Today, I stopped with a quote about hope that struck me in my core...

"Hope can arrive only when you can recognize that there are real options and you have genuine choices. Hope can flourish only when you believe that what you do can make a difference. That your actions can bring about a future, different from the present. To have hope then, is to acquire a belief in your ability to have some control over your circumstances. You are no longer entirely at the mercy of forces outside yourself."

I feel taken aback again, just my writing down those words. I constantly feel lost and overwhelmed by those forces outside of myself. I lose hope because I feel like nothing we do has made a difference. Not our attempts to eat healthier, forgo adult beverages, or stay out of hot tubs. Even our scheduling of love making, my hours of research, or the multiple probes and prods that we pay to receive. Nothing I do feels like it will bring about a different future...until now. 

I hesitantly admit that I am hopeful that this step, this venture to find a specialist 3 hours away, could maybe, possibly, hopefully, result in a future different from the present. 

If I am truly honest I want it to result in a baby. 

But as this week drags on, I am realizing that maybe God's plan will not be for this urologist to find a magical way for Kev to get me pregnant. Maybe it will just be the first step of me taking control of our future. The beginning of me realizing that we have genuine choices...choices about what doctor we see, choices about how we more forward from here, just genuine choices. Maybe I can let my guard down and let hope in, not because my hope may not be shaken with every bit of disappointing news we hear, because it will; but maybe I can let hope in so that it will slowly start to grow, as we slowly start to take control of our circumstances. Maybe my hope will shift from strictly having hope that we will have our own child... into hope that the choices we make will lead us to a life with children that complete us. 

Not sure how this will all work out, but if nothing else I am praying that I can let my guard down a little and find a way to let hope flourish.

jenn

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