A new kind of Therapy

I attended acupuncture for the second time this week and I although I had a little more trouble zoning out or sleeping, I still left in good spirits. I feel good about taking this time for myself. I acutally am wondering if that might be the real secret to this acupuncture thing. Is it possible that people are benefiting, at least in part, by just stopping and taking an hour or two out of their busy lives for relaxation. I mean, this world is so focused on running from one thing to the next and worrying about the future, is acupuncture just a coping skill that gives us the time and the environment to be calm, to reflect, and to make an effort for our health and well-being?

I really have no idea how acupuncture works except that somehow it improves the flow of your Qi, which is the energy that flows though your body similar to your nervous system or blood vessels. I understand that this interlinking system is the reason that a needle in my shin or foot might cause increased blood flow to my ovaries, ie. the needle does not have to be at the site of the problem because your body is an integrated system. Regardless of how it works or whether it is merely a coping mechanism that helps reduce stress and thereby promote one's well-being...I like it and I think I will continue to go, maybe even after this IVF cycle works!!

jenn

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Apothecary

I got the call this week confirming our medication order for our IVF cycle. Amazing how a call from a pharmacy tech in another state can make this whole thing finally feel real. Maybe it's because this is the largest lump sum of money we have had to pay so far, although I cannot complain because I know the antagonist cycle makes our med costs so much less than they could be if the RE had recommended another plan. Or maybe, it feels real because during our conversation she reminded me that I can always order less supplies now but if I order too much then I can't return anything. That comment just sealed the deal that this is the point of no return, these meds are ours and this cycle is happening, unless of course I want to waste a couple thousand dollars on medications.

Anyway, I am anxious but excited. I am not freaked out the needles or the prospect of these injections, so I feel good about finally getting all these supplies in my possession. I am also looking forward to sorting needles and arrange vials according to our plan for injections (organizing tends to make me feel more in control of life, it's a coping mechanism I developed somewhere along the way, but it's one I like). Mostly, I am just excited to be moving forward in a way that feels tangible, instead of just taking birth control pills each night while continuing to think of our IVF cycle as a future event. Having a fridge full of injectables is bound to make this whole plan feel like it's my real life and once I'm actually doing the injecting, I am sure it won't feel like a hypothetical situation any longer.

So, as I said before we are doing an antagonist cycle, meaning I get to skip the lupron and begin my injections with the FSH. Here is our pharmacy order that should be arriving any day now...

Follistim: 300mg pen x1 and 600mg pen x4 (except I am only filling 3 for now)

Ganirelex: 5 prefilled syringes

Ovidrel: HCG trigger shots x2

Progesterone: 45ml vial x3

Medrol: 4 day dosepak, 16mg tabs

Doxycycline: 4 day supply

My suppression check is scheduled for next Thursday and then injections will hopefully start the following Saturday. Who could have imagined I would be this excited and ready to start a process that I always prayed I would never have to do...amazing how time and life circumstances changes your perspective!

jenn

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Chinese torture?

Thanks to some recommendations from my friends at Resolve, I have expanded my fertility treatments. At first, when I thought of adding more appointments and more professionals to my ever growing team of treatment experts, the idea was overwhelming. However, if you ever talk with someone who goes to acupuncture about their experience, they seem to glow as they share how wonderful an experience it has been in their life. So, after hearing about the wonders of Chinese medicine for long enough, I booked my first appointment at East Nashville Community Acupuncture.

Upon arrival, it was the calm hipster type environment I expected. I drank tea and read an article about composting from some 'one with the earth' type magazine. Then I met with my acupuncturist, who was calm and reassuring from the first moment I saw her. She asked questions about my health and I provided details about a past history of migraines, acid reflux, and ADD. I explained how I had been weaning off all medications in preparation for this cycle and my hope what that since meds would not be taken for 9 months of pregnancy, that I would therefore not return to taking any medication again once the baby was born.

Honestly, getting off medication was something I had been wanting to do for sometime, however I always seemed to lack the motivation to make the appropriate lifestyle changes required to live a life un-medicated. However, I have never felt good about the fact that I am 30y/o and taking multiple medications per day, because honestly what hope does it give me for my body's ability to fend for itself when I am 60 or 80. 

Anyway, I explained my desire for acupuncture to help me manage these symptoms as well as promote my physical and emotional health while we pursue an IVF cycle. My acupuncturist voiced understanding about all my concerns and she offered support and reassurance re: the role acupuncture has played in many IVF cycles before mine. She then gave me a basic run down of what would happen and made sure I had no further questions. She then led me into a treatment room, filled with multiple recliners, soft music, and dim lights. I chose my chair, rolled up my pant legs, and settled in for a treatment that I felt sure would be an interesting life experience, if nothing else! 

I have tried to described the sensation of acupuncture multiple times since attending my first session and consistently I feel like my explanations and correlations do not provide a clear picture of what it was like. Still, in my experience I must say that the needle did not hurt when it went into my body, even though I could feel a slight prick initially. I concentrated on each needle site, hoping to pinpoint the feeling I was having, it was like something was disapating under my skin from the needle point outwards. Then when she stuck a needle in the top of my scalp and I felt the same sensation, it finally hit me how to explain it...Do you remember playing that game as a child when you say "crack an egg on your head, and the blood running down, and then chills running up". For those who don't remember, while you chant this rhyme, you knock someone on the head, then press down as you symmetrically run your fingers down the outside of a persons head, then you run your nails up their back, causing chills and just an overall weird feeling. Well, that's what acupuncture felt like to me the first time, like something was dissipating from each needle point (just like the fingers that applied pressure to my head as a child) and chills (in a good way) would follow throughout my body.  (weird way to explain it, but really it was wonderful!!)

After inserting all needles, my acupuncturist then covered me with blankets, which at first worried me that they would knock the needles out or drive them deeper into my skin further,  however she reassured me that they were flexible and not going anywhere. So, I was bundled up and tucked in like a child, then a wonderful bean bag was placed over my eyes. Soft, new age music surrounded me and I listened at a muted level by using my earbuds as modified ear plugs. It was wonderfully relaxing, so much so that I laid there for an hour and a half. I simply laid there and  prayed about God's plan for my family, then I dozed off to sleep, then I prayed for peace that could overcome any obstacles in my path, and finally I just reflecting on my place in life. I must say it was incredibly relaxing and it was probably the first time I had taken an hour and a half for prayer and relaxation without feeling rushed to move on to the next part of my day. It was just what I needed.

So, after feeling fully relaxed and recharged, my needles were removed and I was free to go. I left the community center feeling dramatically better than when I arrived. Although, it is hard to pinpoint exactly what felt better, considering I did not enter with a specific compliant and since feeling more fertile is not exactly tangible. Yet, I know that if nothing else I felt calmer. I felt relaxed like the way I feel after a massage, the kind of tranquility that you cannot achieve at home on your own. Overall, it  brought me a great sense of peace during this chaotic time and I think I am now offically sold on acupuncture.

jenn

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Pure Joy

For the first time in about a decade, I am thrilled to tell you that I am truly and 100% happy for someone else and their new child. I feel guilty saying that, especially since I've had several nieces that have been born in these recent years; but if I am honest I have always had a bit of jealousy or pain when someone else got to meet their child and I remained a waiting mother. 

But a few weeks ago, some of our newest and dearest friends have met their son. You can read the details from their perspective on their fabulous blog, but today I must give you my version of our relationship with this awesome couple. 

First, this couple is awesome because they were the primary reason my sweet hubby and I ever went to the Resolve support group for a second time (I must stop there to add that I love all my resolve peeps and there have been a million reasons since that first Tuesday that keep me returning each month. But for the sake of honesty and historical accuracy, this couple was the difference between "1 and done" vs. "lets give that support group another shot"). You see, their first meeting was my first meeting and even though I had left my better half at home, they attended the group as a couple.  They spoke openly and honestly about their male factor sterility and all I could think was that I never should have left Kevan at home. He needed to hear another guy talk about male factor infertility, he needed to see what I was seeing, which is that there were other couples that looked normal and that were facing problems like we were facing on a daily basis...and they were surviving it too!  So, I promptly raced home and told Kevan all about their story and encouraged him that in the future he should come to Resolve meetings with me, because he would love to know people like this! 

Fast forward ten long months since the first support group that we attended together and I have grown incredibly close to these people. They have stood by us while we were searching for a diagnosis, they have offered genuine support while we tried to make decisions about ivf vs. adoption, and they have provided laughs when all we wanted to do was cry. During this same time frame they have struggled with creating an adoption profile, revisited the issue of sterility, and they have gotten a home study approved. So, finally after years of trying they have been given the greatest gift any infertile can imagine...a healthy and beautiful son!! 

I am honestly thrilled about this child. I keep looking at pictures they post of him on twitter and I am counting down the days till I get to meet him. Last night at our resolve meeting, a mutual friend was quizzing me about their adoption news and I was proudly showing off pics like the loving aunt that I am. Mostly, I just love having this sort of excitement for someone else. I love not having to push down feelings of jealousy because honestly this time all I feel is hopeful. Their placement reiterates to me that even though this process is long and hard, we will all eventually graduate from this world of infertility and join the ranks of parents. 

Congratulations T & R, I cannot wait for our children to play together...

jenn

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Back to School

On January 18, we attended the long anticipated IVF class!

Upon first hearing that we would have  a class, I didn't give it much thought because the idea was so abstract. It was part of the distant future in a world where maybe, possibly, we would complete an IVF cycle. Honestly, I was so overwhelmed by the long list of tasks we had to complete prior to even becoming eligible for class, that I couldn't even think forward to the class itself. However, in a similar fashion to how I feel about most things in this journey, each month drags on forever yet things creep up on you before you are ready for them.

So, we completed our pre-reqs and headed to class. I would like to proudly say that we were calmly late for our 8am appointment. I am not proud that we were late, but I am proud that I didn't stress out or become anxious in morning traffic. Instead we kept it light and slowly made our way to the office for the last of the pre-reqs including bloodwork and other fun stuff.

Then, we sat in the waiting room prior to class intently focusing on the people around us (sad but true, whether in a support group or MD office, it is hard not to people watch the other infertiles around you to confirm that in-fact they look normal therefore you too must be normal). While watching, I saw a scenario play out that I have reviewed in my mind a million times. A couple, waiting for class, ran into a friend in the waiting room, and quickly it was obvious that neither had any idea of the others struggle with fertility issues. There were awkward exchanges and finally the friend of my classmates breaks the tension with a fabulous question..."so, have you started the shots yet, cause they make you crazy?"!! It was hilarious to me and honestly they all seemed to have a good laugh too.

Then we were all called back to the swanky conference room to start class. I say it was swanky because they had lots of snacks, leather chairs, and fun goodie bags on the table. It doesn't take much to impress me, plus I have noticed that in these places that are primarily private pay - they tend to splurge a little more on the patients than our local health department. Anyway, our classmates were 2 other couples who seemed similar in age/stage of life to us, a woman with a recording device because her husband couldn't get off work, and a single lady. Yep, I said it... a strong, independent, kind of strange but obviously very determined, single woman. She had previously attempted IUI with donor sperm and for whatever reason had now moved on to IVF. I admit I was and still am kind of torn with my feelings about this woman. I admire her independence and desire, while at the same time it is hard for me to imagine undergoing this emotional roller coaster without such an incredible companion by my side.

So, the details of class were pretty basic. We reviewed different shots and practiced with saline filled syringes. We discussed a generic protocol that involved taking lupron, follistim, and ovidrel; however I learned later in our meeting with the nurse that this would not be our personal protocol, which for some reason annoys me cause I feel like I was focusing hard to learn something I didn't need to know. I am sure it didn't hurt me to learn more info than needed and I am sure that the principals are the same, however I do wish I had known our protocol prior to class instead of after.

Anyway, after a lovely class where we discussed basically shots and then the overall cost of this monster project, we then met with our new IVF nurse. She will be our point person and the main contact through the process which is great, because I feel like 1 point person will decrease confusion. We were told at this meeting that our drugs of choice will be good old birth control, ganirelix, follistim, and ovidrel. What I can gather is that ganirelix is started later in your cycle and used to prevent ovulation, while lupron drops your hormone levels down early and suppresses them for the whole cycle instead of just changing hormones right before ovulation. The nurse said that ganirelix was chosen for me because they have no reason to think I will not stimulate well (based on age and no known medical issues) and it will produce fewer, better quality eggs, thereby hopefully preventing hyper-stimulation. The other positive is that ganirelix requires fewer shots and based on what my other IF friends have told me, I want no part of the craziness that Lupron creates ie. hating everyone, crying often, and other awesome hormonal imbalances!! I also think the part 'better quality eggs' sounds good but I must admit that I am  apprehensive when they operate under the pretense that I will have no problems with this cycle. I know that to this point we have been a "male-factor infertility" couple, but I am simply afraid that they will assume I am good to go and then I will not only disappoint them, but also disappoint myself when I don't stimulate the way they expected and we have to cancel the cycle. I know that these fears are baseless and that we can adjust meds as we go, so I am trying to trust that my doctors have the right plan in place for us and that God is guiding the path that lies ahead. I am also trying to stay away from google because you can imagine that searching my protocol and finding details about other people's failed or successful cycles has already proved to be a bad idea.

Overall, since leaving class I am feeling good. My sweet husband and I are on the same page and both ready to start the process and keep moving forward. At lunch after class we discussed the pros and cons of starting soon or waiting a few months based on our social calendar, but eventually we agreed that waiting just doesn't make sense after we have already waited so long. So, although my darling hubby is still struggling with idea that 'no drinking' prior to the cycle means "no drinking" at the Superbowl parties, he is ready to move forward and so am I.

So, now we wait for cycle day 1, when birth control, extra vitamins, and antibiotics become the new normal at our house. I can honestly say that for the first time in 50 cycles of TTC, I am grinning from ear to ear when I think about cycle day 1. Finally, it no longer indicates that we failed at conceiving this month, it now means we are moving forward and we are one step closer to meeting the little person that waits in our future.

jenn

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Absence = Fondness

So, our journey has continued over the past several months, even though I have been absent from the blogging world. Hopefully, you won't take my absence personally since even if I wasn't writing, I was still reading about the journeys of all my wonderful IF friends.  Honestly, falling off the radar is just a poor coping skill that I seem to implement when I am feeling overwhelmed and I am in need of time to sort through all my crazy thoughts. Typically, I come back rested and rejuvenated but if I am honest I know it's pretty selfish that I often disappear from real life, friends, and now my virtual world. Yet, somehow I think the blog-o-sphere might be more forgiving than my real life friends.

Anyway, a lot has happened and honestly it has all been positive progress towards our future family. After the adoption conference, we decided to continue with IVF pre-req testing so that regardless of what we ultimately decided, we would be moving forward. We met with the RE, did blood work, gave samples, and tried to cram as much medical "diagnosis testing" into the last quarter of the year as possible. All in an attempt to move forward and hopefully get insurance to cover a few things before a new deductible year. 

During this time, we also continued to talk with our family about our struggles to conceive. We spoke more openly with our parents and we confided in our siblings that we were planning to move forward sooner than later. It felt good to share openly and everyone was incredibly supportive. It was also nice to move into the holidays with everyone aware of our situation, thereby preventing the awkward family moments when someone would previously make a comment about our future children someday being there to open gifts.

Now, moving into 2012 things have continued to move in the direction of IVF (reasons for our IVF decision will have to be addressed in another post, because it's just too complicated to start tongiht). I feel good about our decision and I am truly hopeful for our future. I feel like we are coping well, we are surrounded by incredible support systems, and God is opening every door that will lead us to an incredible future that he has planned for us.

Last but not least, I am making a commitment to blog more. I know I said initially I did not want this blog to be a commitment (which obviously it hasn't since I haven't blogged since November) but I think I have changed my mind. I want to document our journey. I want a space where I can look back and see how crazy it was and how far we have come. I also need to write it all down so in the future when I am worn out from caring for my IVF triplets, I will remain forever grateful for what it took to get there. 

So stay tuned...details from IVF class are just around the corner...

jenn

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Unconditional Giving

I have tried to start this blog post for a month. I've actually written a few paragraphs and then given up because it did not convey the emotion I wanted or because I got off track, as I often do when writing. It's amazing to me how sometimes I feel like I could just sit and let words pour out and other times I just can not say what it is I am trying to say.

This week in our small group we did a session from "Five things God uses to Grow your Faith" by Andy Stanley. The lesson was about using "Private Disciplines" described as prayer, giving, or other 'acts of righteousness'  to honor God and build our relationship with him. The focus was how private disciplines benefit the people performing them, not those they give to, and that these disciplines will only bring us closer to God. The scripture references for this lesson referred to Matthew 6: 1-4, where Jesus teaches about giving to the needy.

Jesus says "Be careful not to do your 'acts of righteousness' before men, to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven. So, when you give to the needy, do not announce it with trumpets, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and on the streets, to be honored by men. I tell you the truth, they have already received their reward in full."

The study went on to explain that if you are rewarded by men for your good deeds, then you do not need God's reward. So, do not give to the needy when everyone can see and then praise your acts, instead do it in secret to get glory from God. (Now, I must add that I do not believe that this text has universal application. I believe that there will be times when we give to the needy even though we are visible to others, yet we are still giving with a pure heart and purpose. I also believe that there will be times when we receive praise for our acts of generosity from those around us, yet even still, God will provide us with his reward.)  


This week, God has shown us true giving in a way that I have never witnessed with my own eyes. I feel guilty when I say that out loud, because I do believe that Jesus died for our sins and I live each day knowing that his death was truly the ultimate gift. Yet, what I know and believe vs. what I witness with my own eyes are different. And what I see tends to impact by soul in a different way than those things I am taught. I know that God understands these muddled thoughts, which is why since the time of the disciples he has been creating acts on earth to help all of us who struggle to truly grasp without seeing. I should work on my guilt about this because I am pretty sure God never seemed to judge Thomas for wanting to touch the holes left in Jesus' hands. Regardless, I return to the point that God showed me his providence this week and then just in case I was doubting at all, he had me to attend a bible study to spell out his purpose!

Several weeks ago, we received a donation to help us grow our family. The gift came with a letter but no conversation was ever had with the giver about our infertility. That being said, the gift came with no conditions and no expectations. The only stated desire was to lessen the role of money in our decision making and to help us have the children "we deserve". I was speechless upon receiving this gift and I still struggle to find the words to give it justice.

I know that God is showing me that He will provide for us and that no obstacle is too big for His mighty works. I feel a renewed trust that the Lord has plans for us and I find myself feeling increasingly grateful that we have experienced this struggle with infertility. I know that sounds crazy but if I am honest I know that I needed something big to happen in order for me to truly surrender to God and realize he is in complete control. I pray that this road leads us to a life where we are parents but even if it doesn't, I know that this road has led us into a deeper relationship with our Lord, which will provide rewards and peace that will surpass anything I can imagine.

God is so good and I know He is preparing an incredible reward for that amazing soul who stepped out and blessed our family during this time of struggle.

jenn

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