Support

I have been thinking lately that I need a new support system related to infertility. I have two friends I talk to about it on a somewhat regular basis, however both are living with incredibly hard life situations of their own right now. I know that listening to me talk about my struggles more would not be a burden to them...however I sometimes feel exhausted after talking about their issues, so that when the conversation turns to me it just seems like too much effort. I also much admit that there are somethings I hate to discuss with them ie. the effect TTC has on our sex life, my struggles with wanting to drink alcohol or smoke (simply as rebellious acts that only non-prego people can do), etc. I know that my friends would not judge me for these things, but it does not make it any easier to share the things that hurt us the most, with those we have to see every day.

So I have been thinking instead of friends, why not share my thoughts with strangers (not blogging strangers but instead real life strangers). I went on the Resolve website and there is a peer support group that meets in our area once a month. In general, I am a big fan of support groups and counseling and things of that nature. I say that because often times people who do these things professionally like I do, say that they feel like it is silly to go to counseling because they already know all of the things a therapist would say to you. I see how that could maybe feel pointless but on the contrary I find it helpful to hear the words come out of someone else's' mouth..regardless of if I already know their theories/strategies/etc. I also will admit that my feelings about therapy were solidified when I went to counseling for the first time in 2009. We had been struggling with infertility for about a year and my whole life felt out of control. I went to a psychologist thru our employee assistance program and I loved every second of it. I found that I was anxious before attending however I just spewed my guts the entire time I was there...I am not even sure how much the lady got to say. Anyway, I only went for a few months but she helped me recognize my coping skills and she helped me remember that I have to take time to grieve and cry and be sad, because these things do suck and I do have those feelings inside regardless of how much I can rationalize them. Anyway, I digress...

So, I emailed the girl who runs the support group and found out all the wonderful details. Apparently it's a new group that has only met for 2 months and it has been all women in attendance so far. She said that a couple has already RSVPed to attend in April, so I should invite my husband if I want. I will invite him and I know he will go if I want him to, however I honestly don't know what I want. I know it would be beneficial for him to hear other stories and relate to other men in this situation, especially if we move forward with assisted reproduction. But I admit there is also a selfish part of me that does not want to have to share my new found support system with him. I don't want to think about what I say before I say it and I want a place to vent about how infertility makes me feel without worrying about if I will hurt his feelings in the process. I know that i should be able to say all of these things to him and I could, I just know he carries guilt about everything. And since our infertility is somehow being linked to him, I feel like when I am sad or upset about it, he automatically feels bad like it's his fault. I can tell him over and over that I know it's not his fault, it's just nature, it's just life, it's just God's plan...but he still feels bad. Honestly, the reality is that I would choose him again tomorrow even if I knew we could never have kids because it's him I can't live without....but it doesn't change that it hurts to continue to live without kids too!

So, I am offering this support group idea to God. I am unsure when I will tell Kevan about it or whether he will want to attend...but I know that this support group, just like infertility, must be a part of God's great plan and the right thing will come from all this if I just continue to trust in Him.

jenn