Letting the Cat Out...

So this weekend started out harder than I expected. We attended my parent's church fish fry which is an annual event filled with many people who have know me "since I was 'this' tall". Although this is usually a fun time to run into people we haven't seen in ages, this year it just felt hard. My sister's each brought their daughters, both almost 2 years old and born 3 weeks apart. The girls danced and entertained the crowds and I played with them the way I do every time I get the chance!

~As a side note, I must add that being around these girls has never been that hard for me. I always think that although they may not be my children, they are children that I will know and love for their entire lives. I guess I just have always been able to separate my feelings and value the relationship I have with these kids. I have never wanted my bitterness about my infertility to affect our relationship, because long after infertility I will love and support these children. 

Anyway, I enjoyed playing with the girls but as you can expect the hurtful part of the night came from those who don't mean to be hurtful. First, my second grade teacher walked up and asked if one of the two girls were mine? I laughed and explained our relationship and she moved on. It wasn't pleasant to have to be reminded that we do not have children, however the sting was small.

Then came a bigger blow. I overhear my father talking to a older lady about all of his grandchildren. She asked about the girls and then asked about "my children"? He replied that we had no children yet and the polite woman replied "well she isn't even thirty yet, so she has plenty of time". My father then laughed "I don't care how old she is, they have been married for almost 6 years and we are ready for another grandchild!"

It hit me like a ton of bricks. Just plain hurtful. As if I would not be perfectly happy to give him a grandchild. Like I wouldn't love to have our first child before I turn thirty. But it just hasn't been in God's plans yet. It hasn't been the way our family is supposed to grow....or at least that's what I reassure myself.

The rest of the night was low-key and calm. Actually, the whole weekend was. We both finished the books we had been reading, we went to the pool, and we  played cards at my sister's house. It was a calm was to unwind after many busy weeks of travel and planning for the future.

Then Sunday afternoon, we talked thru the events of Friday night. I acknowledged that I continue to open myself up to hurtful statements by not telling those around me about our struggles ie. maybe if my father knew about our infertility he would be a little more sensitive. We also talked about how Kev's parents are trying to get us to commit to a family vacation in February. We agreed that with Kev applying for new jobs, this is not the time to plan a vacation, however we also discussed how we don't feel comfortable planning a vacation when we have no idea what plans will come out of our MD appointment at the end of the month. Lastly, we talked about how all of these things point us in the direction of needing to tell our families at least the basics of our struggle with infertility. It would hopefully protect me from some of these hurtful comments and it would help Kev's parents understand where our priorities are. It also honestly just feels like the right time.

I think part of why I have never told them is because I justified that I would tell them when we were actually doing something about it. So many doctors had just said "keep trying" and the ones who hadn't were suggesting pretty significant steps ie. IVF with ICIS. I always said that before we moved forward with assisted reproduction that we would tell our families, however it seemed silly to tell them that we couldn't get prego but we weren't doing anything about it but eating healthier and having sex. Well, Kev and I agreed yesterday that even though we don't know what direction we'll go after our appointment with the new urologist, we both realize that this appt with be a turning point of some kind. Either the new MD will find something to treat and hopefully improve my hubby's health or the MD will offer no solutions, in which case we are headed back to the RE to make plans re: trying IUI vs. IVF. No matter what happens, I finally feel like we are moving forward in the process instead of just trudging along from one 2ww to the next.

So, we made plans to tell each set of parents sometime in the next few weeks. Either before or after the urology appointment depending on timing and availability. We plan to tell them as a couple, just for the sake of support. I also plan to tell both of my sisters. I will tell them separately because the dynamics of our relationships are very different plus their histories re: fertility bring different things to the table. I look forward to my sisters knowing even though I know these will be emotionally draining conversations. It just feels like the right time and I think I finally feel ready.

I'll catch up more once we finally let the cat out of the bag, until then say a prayer that people react well to our news! 

jenn